THIS WEEK: Can machines, salt,
world’s greatest cock!

PLUS: Shaved heads, big asses!!

M This is going out to the American guy who’s having a hard time trying to figure out how he can’t play shows in Canada. It works both ways, man. I’m a Canadian musician and I have a hard time playing in the States too. I still go and do it regardless. The best thing to do is when you cross the border, do NOT tell the border patrol you’re a singer-songwriter or a musician. That way you can cross through as best as possible and not get caught. [BLEEP!]

M To the American musician who’s talking about how it’s so hard for him to play shows here without getting busted. It works both ways, man. I’m in a band myself, a Canadian band, and if we get caught playing in the States, we’re screwed as well. It’s the exact same thing. And trust me, even if I do play a show, I don’t have to pay anybody and I still only make five bucks. [BLEEP!]

M This is Pato from Devil Eyes. We just got back from touring for three days in Ontario. To all those motherfuckers who have taken it up the ass from the States directly, let me tell you something. In Ontario, they’re really STARVING for rock ’n’ roll. [BLEEP!]

M So I just want to leave a little rant about a girl that doesn’t know the difference between GUNSHOTS and FIRECRACKERS. It’s a pretty real lesson to learn. And I hope you learned it tonight. Just to clarify, I am talking about the girl who kept interrupting me when I was calling 911 to report the gunshots and who kept saying it was firecrackers. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just responding to the guy who ranted about the club he was passing by on St-Viateur and St-Laurent. Dude, I just have to say that I agree with you 100 per cent. In fact, I thought I was the only one who thought that way, but apparently not. I just have to add that I think white women, they don’t know good-looking black men. I think as long as the guy has a SHAVED HEAD and he’s muscular and he talks nice, then that’s good looks. And as for the black guys, to them a good-looking white woman would be one that has a straight nose—well, of course, most whites have a straight nose—but if she has a straight nose and she’s curvy or has a BIG ASS, to them, that’s good looks. And, by the way, those type of girls, I always hated them. I hate their circle of friends and I hate going to the places that they go to. When I see them on the street, I don’t even look at them. [BLEEP!]

F I’m so pissed off right now. I know, like, no one in the city and I just got a phone call from my LITTLE SISTER and I found out that she lives here and her PIMP just beat her up. And I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with Montreal. This city is so fucked up. There are so many messed up people. Maybe it’s because I’m from a small town or something but people need to get their shit together. It’s not right for a girl, she fucking came here, knew no one, he took total advantage of her. I’ve no one to rant to so I’m ranting to you. Anyways, this city is fucked. Any fucking pimps, you want to go controlling girls, that’s fucked. And if you’re going to sell your body, don’t do it because you have to, do it because you want to. Not because some fucking pimp tells you what to do or you need money for drugs, because drugs aren’t worth it. If you’re going to do something like that, do it because you want to. Because there’s someone that cares about you, you know? You’re somebody’s daughter, you’re somebody’s sister and if they saw you doing something like that it would kill them. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my rant is about the CAN MACHINES at the grocery store not accepting the Heineken 40 oz cans. I mean, for God’s sake, a can is a fucking can. You know what I mean? Why don’t they just make the holes bigger so that the machines can accept all the cans? Because instead I have to bring them to the front and it takes up space and I’d rather just put all the cans in one machine. Cans in the machine, bottles at the front desk. Makes sense, no? [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about the fact that when I eat in fast food restaurants, I always notice that my food is stacked with a lot of SALT. I would like to know why there is so much salt in my food. I was at this fast food restaurant today and I couldn’t even eat the fries because they were swimming in so much salt that I almost puked. Can somebody do something about this? I think I’m going to have to stop eating in fast food restaurants because of all the salt I’m being fed. I just want to make people aware of it because I, for one, am very fed up. Can somebody help me with this problem? Maybe a manager or somebody that can explain it to me? I would really appreciate it. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this isn’t a rant, it’s a rave. I just want to say that my boyfriend has the fucking GREATEST COCK on this planet. I kid you not. It’s big, it’s perfect, best shape, tastes fucking amazing. It’s just the best cock I have ever, ever had. So this is just a shout out to my boyfriend’s cock. You know who you are. [BLEEP!]

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