THIS WEEK: Catching up after a month
long hiatus!

PLUS: Important pimple popping debate resumes!!

M Hey Rant Line™. I’m a musician and I just want to know what is the deal with the government making it so hard for musicians to play in Canada if you’re an American? I’m from the States and I have heard of people getting banned from playing in Canada for five years. You get sent back! I don’t want to take CANADIAN MONEY—it’s just so confusing and hard to play up here. I played one show here and I made about $5 after I paid everything, and now my name is in the SYSTEM and if they google me, then I will get banned. It’s making me crazy. I don’t know what to do. [BLEEP!]

M This one’s in memory of good ol’ SKY SAXON. He’s pushin’ too hard on the angels now. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say Stevie Wonder is a total COCKTEASE. He played with our balls all night and never got the job done. He finally plays a medley of his own funky tunes after making us listen to shitty versions of Miles Davis, John Coltrane, recorded versions of Michael Jackson and some jazz standard he didn’t even know the words to. He never even got funky. That was the most disappointing show I’ve ever seen in my life. You suck, Stevie Wonder. [BLEEP!]

M This is just a quick note. I just wanted everybody in the city to know that last week I saw JONATHAN RICHMAN and you have no idea how amazing the concert was. It was funny, brutal–one of the best concert experiences of my life–and I’m hoping that others got a chance to see it too. And I’ve seen Leonard Cohen and Bruce Springsteen, among other great artists, and nothing was as good as this! [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the guy talking about Mos Def being real hip hop, man. That’s a joke! Have you seen Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? Have you seen Mos Def giving Mark Wahlberg an ITALIAN HANDJOB? Come on. Honestly. Mos Def fucking fell off, he’s a joke. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just passed by that club or bar or whatever the hell it is on the corner of St-Viateur and St-Laurent on Saturday night. And outside the club at three in the morning, ain’t nothing but a bunch of fat, ugly, hideous loud, obnoxious—did I say ugly?—WHITE GIRLS and a bunch of BLACK MEN. I don’t understand it. If you’re going to go out with a white girl, at least make her look good. These fat, nasty white girls don’t know how to dress, they’re loud and obnoxious, sound ghetto—it’s pathetic. If you’re going to get with a girl, get with a hot girl, goddammit. I don’t give a fuck what colour the girl is but, damn, all the girls there, I mean, ALL the girls there, was ugly, fat, loud and obnoxious. Did I mention ugly? [BLEEP!]

M Listen, PUNY, the reason why they’re called busboys is because they’re not men yet. If you’re over 18, you’re still a busboy because the man tells you what to do. Do you get it, boy? Now clean table 47!! That’s how a man speaks, bitch. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got a message for the bus guy. Two things. One is what you do is you bus. I bus, you bus and so on. And when somebody says what is it that you do, you say “I’m the bus.” You don’t say, “I’m a busboy.” You say, “I’m the bus.” Got it? So let’s run that over again. I bus, you bus. It’s a verb. Busing is what you do for a living and when somebody says what is your job, you say, “I’m the bus.” [BLEEP!]

F So I’m at work right now, not really doing much of anything. It’s about six o’clock and I’m just waiting to go home and while waiting to go home, I decided to read the Mirror online. I’m addressing the dude who lets his girlfriend POP his PIMPLES. Honestly, it’s not gross, it’s really cool! I do it too. I always pop my boyfriend’s pimples. Not his blackheads, his pimples. And I just get this, like, euphoric feeling when I see all the WHITE PUS come out. It’s great. So I think your friend is weird, because I don’t know one girl who doesn’t like to pop their boyfriend’s pimples. In fact, he likes to pop mine too. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the blackhead guy. You’re not alone. My girlfriend does it and loves it too. She actually calls it DEBUGGING. She gets really focused so I just lie there and go “ouch” every now and then. So, yeah—not that weird. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I used to have a lot of blackheads on my back—and some WHITEHEADS too. And then my girlfriend broke them all and my back is nice and smooth now. No pimples, blackheads, nothing there. So what’s weird about that? That was great! Because I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t see them. I just had an ITCHY back once in awhile. So even though I dumped her, she was a great blackhead breaker, man. And I got the nicest looking back in the world now because of my ex. So thank you, ex. [BLEEP!]

M Every time my girlfriend touches me, it seems she automatically finds a blackhead. Even when she’s kissing me, she sees a blackhead. Whether it’s on my face, my legs, my back, my chest, my arms, my ass. It’s crazy. It’s fucking crazy. Anyway, I appreciate it and I think you do too. So take it easy and happy blackhead-hunting. [BLEEP!]

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