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Dear Sasha, I’m 28 years old and still a virgin. I know: what a loser. During my teenage years, all I was interested in was partying, drugs and drinking. Relationships and sex were of no interest. When I actually “woke up,” I found myself with low self-esteem, no experiences and a strong fear of rejection. When a girl attracts me and I feel that something could be possible between us, I find some lame excuse and walk away. Not even kissing.
Now at 28, I feel more and more ashamed of my “condition” and I fear that it will become a real handicap (which it almost is). I don’t want to wait till I’m 40 and I don’t want to die a virgin either.
How can I address this issue with a girl without being laughed at (or scared)? Are girls attracted to virgins or is it a total turnoff? There are a lot of really cool and intelligent girls in my entourage but their sexual experiences (since they’ve all had boyfriends before like every normal person) and my lack of them make it a big obstacle for me. I’m afraid of judgment, comparison—afraid they’ll tell all my friends, and of feeling not worthy enough.
I know it’s lame and stupid. I look like a real loser. I don’t even know what I want from this letter. Maybe some encouragement and some insightful tips.
—Jason
Dear Jason,
You’re not lame, you’re not stupid and you’re not a loser. You were simply unable to fit sex into your demanding social schedule throughout your teens and 20s which, mercifully, also means you didn’t have time to have drunk-ass unprotected sex, which further means that unlike the rest of us, you don’t have herpes or HPV. And if you were actually as wasted as you claim, the sex you would have been having would have probably been more damaging to your reputation than your total exclusion. Not that everyone doesn’t love hearing the stories about how I threw up tequila and orange juice all over my ex-boyfriend’s dick or the myriad times I have passed out hammered underneath someone I really liked on a nerve-wracking first sex date but, let’s face it, these are not the anecdotes of a celebrated lover. They are amusingly wretched, to be sure, but part of my catalogue of sure-fire moves? Not so much.
Another good thing is that you are living in an era where positive and accurate sexual information is widely available. Arming yourself with reliable facts about the physiology/physical act will help you feel less vulnerable. Violet Blue’s guides published by Cleis Press are amazingly clear and informative. Pick up the ones that appeal to you, along with Paul Joannides’s Guide to Getting It On. Knowledge is power, and though a theoretical knowledge of sexuality can only take you so far, it will provide some peace of mind once you are in the trenches.
Now for some news that may be less comforting to you: I’m going to guess that your situation has been widely discussed by your friends. When I was around your age, there were a few men in my group with indeterminate virginity status and I can tell you they were a hot topic of conversation, as well as the object of many blundering set-ups. If the women around you haven’t guessed by now you are a virgin, they’ve at least chewed over the possibility and more than likely they’ve made attempts to get you laid. Please understand that this is a good thing. They know, they want to help you out, it’s not a huge deal and you are not a social pariah. Having a good sense of humour about your virginity will be more attractive than positioning yourself as a freak, so once again, your mantra: I am not lame, stupid or a loser. I am simply one of those people for whom drugs and alcohol did not provide an obliging gateway for casual sexual encounters.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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