From boyfriend
to fuckfriend?

Dear Sasha, My ex and I broke it off due to ongoing drama and fights. He told me he wants to keep on being friends and that the intimate benefits with it wouldn’t hurt. We tried it once, but it ended in a heated argument and I stormed out of his place. He came back to me again, two or three days later, saying that we should try it again and I agreed. The guy is either not interested in the benefits or is playing hard to get because it’s been a while since the last time we tried it.

Why do I care to maintain a beneficial friendship with this guy? Well, because he’s good in bed and, truth be told, I still feel something for him and care about him. He’s sensitive and I feel that when the break-up aftermath is dealt with, we’ll have a good friendship.

I’ve had my rebound guy who I’ve no interest in. He’s called me to go out for dinner and an art opening but I said I was busy and that some other time would be best. He’s also not so great in bed.

What I’m looking for in my ex is the kind of guy that I’m just friends with, am able to sleep with and take it easy with until one of us finds somebody else. I’m not sure if he’s still up for it since he’s been distant and “off,” so I’m not sure if it’s worth my time.

—Eugenia

Dear Eugenia,

Switching a boyfriend to a booty call is a little like going from staff to freelance. Gone are all the comforts a contract offers, and because of this, it can be a very treacherous transition. You are no longer allowed to count on anything ever at any time from this man, likely to the point of exasperation. In fact, many people make a point of being deliberately difficult in this phase as a way of getting back at you for diminishing the commitment. You’re not the boss of me anymore is a lot more loaded than a simple you’re not the boss of me.

If this sounds like a good environment in which to build camaraderie, then by all means, be the first person in the universe to make it happen, but it sounds like you care too much for him to really negotiate fucking your way into a friendship with any patience or grace. If you’re fighting, it means things are still heated and if things are still heated well, friction is only going to make them ignite.

Again, one of the things about having someone as a lover and not as a boyfriend or girlfriend is that you have way less agency over when, how and why you get to see them. While this can be a really great thing, it takes a lot of work to negotiate when you’ve had a previous emotional commitment (and one that was drama-filled, on top of it).

The way I see it, you’ve got to pick one relationship or the other: friend or ho. For now, anyway. And, of course, if you pick ho, I don’t need to tell you that being non-union means you also don’t have a health plan. So condoms, please.

And hey…

Because I love Darren O’Donnell’s work so much and because I think the topic is underrepresented in both sexual academia and the arts, please read this:

“Performance company Mammalian Diving Reflex wants to talk to older adults about sex and sexuality over the course of a lifetime. We are currently researching a show about aging and sexuality and we want to talk to older adults who are very open about their current sex life and how their sexuality has evolved over the years. Initially we want to interview people for two hours. The interview will be audio recorded, no video. For more information and to get involved, please contact Artistic Director, Darren O’Donnell: darren@mammalian.ca or call him at (416) 642-5772.”

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM