THIS WEEK: Busboys, busmen,
cheap dives, lisps!

PLUS: Cheerleaders’ asses!!

M Okay, so it’s the night that Michael Jackson died and this is how much Montreal radio stations suck. I can’t find one Michael Jackson song on the radio. Every single station here sucks. Even OTTAWA is better. That’s pathetic. [BLEEP!]

M I just found out that the Mos Def concert is cancelled at the Jazz Fest, which disappoints me more than anything I could say. Especially after finding out that Lil Wayne is coming back to Montreal for what feels like the second time in one year. When is real hip hop going to come back to Montreal? When are people like Mos Def going to get the time and the respect they deserve? I know that his cancellation was due to an error in scheduling, but I feel like the people organizing things should try and dedicate a little more time trying to get the people who really should come to Montreal to represent hip hop. Instead of these big mass marketing MACHINES bringing Lil Wayne over and over. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. I work at the Scoop Mont-Royal. It’s a cheap DIVE, it’s a bit worse than the Miami. It’s got pool tables, machines and I’m just wondering where the fuck is everybody? Everybody should come here and have a beer so I can make more tips! [BLEEP!]

M I’m a busboy currently and I mean, it’s good, I make a lot of money on tips. But I was just wondering, why busboy? I mean, I’m over 18, I’m a man. Shouldn’t it be BUSMAN? Man, it makes me feel PUNY. If I were to meet a woman and she were to ask, what do you do in life, I would have to say… busboy. I want to be a busman not a busboy! Is there any reason they are called boy? If anyone knows, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

M Right, so I went to the Alouettes’ game the other night and I saw probably about 10 minutes of the game itself because I spent the rest of the time looking at the CHEERLEADERS’ ASSES. I just want to say I fucking love cheerleaders’ asses and I fucking love summer in Montreal. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F You know what I really hate? When OLD PEOPLE take the 55 at rush hour. This is what everyone is thinking but doesn’t have the balls to say. Like, are you joking? Not only can I not sit down, because old people have the seats, but the sweaty fat guys standing right next to me are staring at my TITS. I love old people, but why? Do you really have to take public transportation when everyone is just finished a long day at work or at school? And then they have the audacity to say that kids have no respect for them? Fuck you, I always give you my seat. And P. fucking S. if you haven’t already noticed, I really need to get laid. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been meaning to rant about homosexual men for some time now, but thanks to the gay dude saying gay guys can hit women, my argument has FOCUS. I find myself being more and more surrounded by flaming gays every time I go to an afterparty. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with the non-breeders. However, I find the way they treat straight men and women despicable. I’m sick of this “I don’t like vaginas so I can grab every girl’s ass and tits and call them sluts to their face” mentality. You guys should be more classy and ditch the LISP. It would do wonders for your cause. I know I can’t dress myself, I respect women and I’m not in the closet, so stop fucking whispering nonsense to all the hotties at the party. My advice to any fag hag reading this out loud to their entourage of circus freaks, kick the gay dude beside you in the balls, because even if he thinks he can hit a woman, he’ll undoubtedly feel the pain of being a man. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy whose girlfriend picks his blackheads. I’m with you, buddy. My girlfriend does it all the time. She picks my blackheads and she POPS my PIMPLES. I don’t understand girls. They don’t want us to FART around them, they don’t want us to BURP, but they want to see the PUS come out of our pimples. They’re just weird. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the guy who was asking if it’s WEIRD if his girlfriend squeezes his blackheads. Well, it’s not that it’s weird—it’s just that it’s not good, because when you squeeze it, it pushes part of the blackhead deeper into the skin. So don’t do it. And, also, is anyone else stoked for Osheaga? Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Oh my God, dude, my ex-girlfriend used to want to, like, squeeze my blackheads all the time and I was fucking totally fucking hating on her for that, but she used to tell me that she’d suck my dick if I’d let her squeeze this one blackhead and then I would and she’d suck my dick but it wasn’t that good and that’s why she’s my ex-girlfriend. So fucking sort your shit out, man. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. This is Jim-Joe. You fucking publish my shit about the blackheads but you don’t say that Jim-Joe said it. That ruined the whole rant. Ah, now this is never getting in. [BLEEP!]

IMPORTANT NOTE: The annual Rant Line™ summer sabbatical has now begun.
Next Rant Line™ edition will appear on July 30.

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