THIS WEEK: Glass Tiger, blackheads,
cloven hooves!

PLUS: Hashish is best drug,
experienced researcher claims!!

F Oh hi! This is for the guy who was standing next to me this Saturday on Crescent Street at the GLASS TIGER concert. I’m the girl with the black shirt. I should have said hi. I’m an IDIOT. And now I’ll never see you again. But I had a good time. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Oh holy jeez. I’m hoping that someone seriously can tell me why a city as comparatively small as Montreal requires TWO totally different and unrelated gay pride organizations, Divers/Cité and Fierté Montreal Pride. If I hear it’s about IN-FIGHTING or somebody’s territoriality, I will seriously be going out to oppress somebody. We’re supposed to be talking to people about tolerance and acceptance and diversity and I fully do not understand why it requires two event planning groups, two charitable foundations, two companies seeking sponsors, etc., etc. That is just plain and total idiocy. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’d like to give an opinion on drugs since I’ve been using them daily for about 35 years. Now which is the best drug? I started off with pot, then hash, some THAI STICK, then went on to acid. Did a lot of acid, mushrooms too. I went on to coke, then it was freebase, crack. Tried heroin a couple of times and smoked OPIUM once but never got hooked. But the best, best drug—having just smoked a pipe-full direct from Afghanistan—has to be hashish. If I was going to choose one drug and only one, it would be hash. Montreal used to be a big HASH CITY but now it’s very rare—you can’t get any good hash. I was lucky tonight and now I think I can get some more, man. Wow. I’m tripping. This is great, man. I’m all fucked up now. I better hang up. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so for the person wondering about the billboard on University street and Wellington of the TWO WOLVES attacking a brown dog—it’s an ad for the Darling Foundry, which is an arts centre. I think it’s an amazing billboard because it’s nature and nature bites back if you treat it unfairly. Two dogs attacking one—hey, that’s life. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the billboard. This is actually just an art installation, it’s a photograph by my friend Carlos Sanchez. You don’t have to worry, it’s not SUBLIMINAL evil messaging. It’s really just art. [BLEEP!]

F This is a message for the guy who was complaining about the MOON. Dude, I totally love you. Your rant was awesome and I wish I could marry you except that I’m not sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind. Your rant was amazing. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M So I live in NDG and some crazy bitch just went on her balcony and threw a half ton of her husband’s shit out onto the lawn and a whole SWARM of cops has just shown up. Which leads to the question—how many cops does it take to handle a domestic dispute? Apparently, eight or nine, which is also equivalent to the amount of cops it takes to handle one HOMELESS man in the metro. Either way, NDG has gotten fucked up. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I’m calling about the guy who was complaining that you can’t beat women here. Honestly, if you want to beat your wife or any other girl so badly, then you can go back to your country. Peace and love here. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, it’s me. This time around, I would like to talk to that guy who wants to hit women. Listen, dude, only GAY GUYS are allowed to hit back a woman and, even then, I would not really suggest it. It might lead to some hair-pulling situations and could be a very WEIRD FIGHT that I don’t think either would win. We would probably just break down in tears and go [dramatic sobbing], “I’m so sorry. How could I do this to you?” Because we’re very emotional. But a guy hitting back a girl? Um, honestly, dude, I don’t know where you’re from, but it’s not tolerable in 2009. It never really was, actually. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the guy criticizing SANDAL CULTURE. First of all, you can’t get foot and mouth disease from wearing sandals. Foot and mouth disease is a contagious disease that grows among CLOVEN-HOOVED animals and rarely affects humans. Second of all, walking around on piss-ridden streets will not get you sick because urine is sterile. Third of all, sandals are padded on the bottom and they shield your feet from germs that may be on the ground. The real problem with sandals is that they make you look like an ENORMOUS INFANT and that is why I’m against sandal culture. Am I supposed to say bleep or do you just add that yourself? [BLEEP!]

M Fucking ATHLETE’S FOOT did not even exist until shoes were invented so fuck that. I love my fucking sandals. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Just wondering, doesn’t anyone else’s girlfriend squeeze their BLACKHEADS? I mean, I don’t like it when my girlfriend does it, but I let her do it anyways because she seems to love it so much. But then I told my friend the other day and he thought it was fucking weird. Anyway, bye bye. [BLEEP!]

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