THIS WEEK: Stans, Santigold,
spastic colitis, horseshit!

PLUS: The moon is not a loser!!

M Yo, Beatseeker here. This is for the Eminem fans that I upset with my review. Dear Stans: first of all, yes, I do smoke CRACK. I also collect my earwax and smoke it before writing the rap reviews. I didn’t really understand the sports reference being made, but I do think that Eminem is whack today and he’s not bringing anything new to the rap game. When he was fresh and new, trust me, I was sold. I almost put peroxide in my hair in ’99, so please realize that you are talking to a former huge Eminem fan. But why did he come back out of retirement to put out this half-turd about the same old shit he’s been whining about for 10 years, meanwhile rapping with some kind of clown TURKISH accent for half the album? Dre’s beats, as good as they are, don’t make this a good album. Did you guys even hear the new Cam and Busta? It sounds like you’re just upset about my rating but it doesn’t sound like you actually listen to the records. These guys are having fun and getting amazing beats from up-and-coming producers that are way more interesting than Dre right now. I’d much rather hear about braggadocio and fictional crime tales than about a millionaire recluse being addicted to VALIUM. I personally prefer when hip hop is a fun time rather than a therapy session. That’s what I’m about. Be honest, Eminem is boring in ’09. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Good God, who knew Eminem fans were such whimpering pussies? “Oh, you insulted my favourite wapper, how dare you?” They’re worse than Jonas Brothers fans who piss and moan when you say that two of them have hair that looks like PUBES. They’re worse than 12-year-old girls crying about some Disney singers. All right? Get some fucking balls and deal with it, man. His new record sucks. He’s irrelevant now. Shut the fuck up. My God, you can’t take a rating in a newspaper. You cry about that?! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. Oh my God, I just got back from Santigold and it was so hot. She had these back-up dancers with tambourines to the “My name’s Anne/I’ve got a plan.” It was so amazing. And Amanda Blank with her short HOT SHORTS and her legs. [sighs] But the reason I’m calling is what is up with all of the stupid, ugly tags everywhere in Montreal? They’re ugly and I can’t even read them and it’s not art. And I hate fat girls and skinny jeans. It does not look good. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. This is a message to the miserable hag who works at [names downtown bar]. Listen to me very carefully—you are not my mother or my father or my conscience or my maker. How dare you embarrass me in front of your colleagues and the patrons at your bar because I went to use your bathroom and did not come in to get a drink? I happen to have a condition called SPASTIC COLITIS. I have had it for the better part of my life, you miserable stinker. The day I ask permission to use the can in a shithole like the one you work in will be the same day I make snowmen in hell. I don’t kowtow to anyone, especially to despicable, DENTALLY CHALLENGED leather-faced post-menopausal white trash such as you. Don’t forget what I said. And by the way, clean up the bathrooms. I was afraid I was going to catch an STD. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is an open warning to all Montreal cyclists. Run me down on the bike path and you’ll be ringing your little bell with your tonsil GAG reaction. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, so I’m skating home after work one day and there’s this giant pile of HORSESHIT spread across the bike path. I mean, it was cool because I got to do a trick over horseshit and I can check that off my list, but then I saw a bunch of cops riding horses down the road and they didn’t have these bags on under their asses to catch all the shit. So why do we get tickets if we don’t pick up our dog shit but the cops are allowed to have their horses shit in the road?! That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve been here four months in Canada and I was told that here you don’t HIT women. I mean, sure, I’m not going to hit a woman. But I was told that if a girl, a woman, hits you, you’re not supposed to hit back. Excuse me, I’m sorry, but if someone hits me, I’m hitting them back. I don’t give a fuck if it’s a woman or a man because it shows that if a person’s capable enough to hit you, it means that they’re violent—men or women. So if a bitch hit me, I hit her back. I don’t care where I am. I just hit back. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who wants to know why the moon is out during the day, I will explain. You see, fellow ASTRONOMY LOVERS, the moon does not produce light. The sun produces light. The moon is next to the earth. So if the earth and the moon are next to each other, the sun will light up both. Follow? So when you’re looking at the moon during the day, it’s because it’s just at the right angle from us to reflect the light. Sometimes you don’t see the moon during the day and that’s because it does go around the earth and other people get to see it too. That is as simple as I can put it. If you don’t understand, go rent an astronomy book. The moon is not a loser. It is awesome. [BLEEP!]

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