I’ve been baffled by many people on BDSM sites who seem to have automatic expectations that someone with submissive leanings is going to submit to them, even to the point of being a “slave,” after only a couple of e-mails. So rather than continue in this manner, I’m wondering if there are sites and/or venues geared specifically towards people who like to spank others.
Ideally, I’m seeking a long-term relationship with a spanker but I’m open to play as long as I get a good vibe about someone and there’s a real sense of friendship. I was wondering if you could help me with this, as it’s not something you can just bring up in regular conversation.
Dear Handsome,
As any reasonable person searching for a lust interest (straight or kinky) knows, at least some compromise is necessary to make a connection and I think Morpheous, a rope bondage expert, fetish photographer and all-round gem of a guy in Toronto’s BDSM community, hits it right on the head when he says, “It sounds like he has a bit of a shopping list for a partner, rather than being open to someone unique and special because of what they can share with him.”
Keeping this in mind, Morpheous makes a few suggestions, one being initiating a vanilla girl who seems open to more deviant sexual exploration. “This will require honesty and good communication. I’m assuming he can communicate effectively with the opposite sex? Otherwise this is for naught.”
If you want to learn more about negotiating with a new partner when your interests don’t correspond flawlessly, check out chapter four of Morpheous’s book How to Be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM. (This is an amazing little guide overall, by the way—truly helpful, funny, warm and optimistic. I highly recommend it). “How do you get what you need and how can you give someone what they desire? Negotiating can be a win-win situation,” he says. “When you’re asking someone what their interests are, or sharing your deepest held desire with them, you need to extend the comfort of trust to that person. Lots of research shows that kinky fantasies and practice account for about 20 per cent of human interest. That means that almost one out of five people is kinky or even just wants a little slap and tickle in the bedroom. The level of intensity or sensuality isn’t important at this stage. I’m just reassuring Hans that there are more people out there than he realizes.”
He also recommends going to what’s known in the BDSM community as a munch—a more casual get together where you’ll find spanking is something you can actually bring up in regular conversation somewhere between “Please pass the ketchup,” and “Inspired casting in the new Star Trek, don’t you think?” You can find postings for munches local to you on BDSM sites. “You’ll find that people are there to be social,” says Morpheous, “and when you get to know more people and they get to know you and see that you’re a well-balanced person with compassion, more opportunities will open up.”
As for online resources, Morpheous suggests FetLife.com, a Montreal-based Web site he describes as the Facebook of kink. “Create a profile and look up ‘Spanking in Your City Here’ in the forum groups,” he says. “There are about 50 people in the Toronto group alone and those are just the ones that post. The chance of finding someone through that is pretty high. Just drop the shopping list and be open to sharing yourself with someone rather than expecting them to meet all your desires.”
The BDSM community attracts clever and complex people, so it pays to show yourself as a well-rounded guy, not just a set of well-rounded buttocks looking for a firm hand. “He can write a profile that is eloquent, charming and demonstrates that he understands that bedroom games are for playtime,” says Morpheous. “He’ll find that the more he presents himself as compassionate and well-balanced, the better his chances are of finding someone that will take notice.”
