THIS WEEK: Moon, sun,
pot, male cleavage!

PLUS: Children balance dangerously on floor
of Ford Windstar while drunks lounge in
alleyway on 300-lb backseat they stole!!

M This is a little shout-out to that guy who was doing the TURKEY BURP thing that apparently FELL APART. Yes, it was a special occasion. It’s called Saturday night. That’s when people put on shows. Shows are there for the bar to make money. You shouldn’t be pissed off because all of your friends can’t come to your one show. You should be glad that all of your friends have actual work in a city that actually puts on decent shows. Bah. [BLEEP!]

F Rant Line™, dear Rant Line™. I think that my concern is international in nature, but also it pertains to a show I went to last night. I’m five foot nothing and so going to shows has always been like standing at the back of a crowded elevator. And so last night I went to Mutek Raster-Noton showcase and it was awesome. And as I was enjoying Ryoji Ikeda and Carsten Nicolai, these two dudes streamed into the crowd and PARKED themselves right in front of me and everyone else. But there was this tall dude who happened to notice this right beside me and he shook his head and he waved me in front of him. So I want to send out big karma to this tall dude in the WHITE SWEATER. Also, there was a Mutek picnic table, so I’m going to propose that one day I will ruin the democracy of shows and impose a standing order for all of us five-foot-nothings and we can see shows that way. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Morgan Steiker, that’s just a dumb, dumb, review. Three out of 10 for Eminem’s Relapse? Come on, the amount of creativity and fun and just SILLINESS on that album is ridiculous. It’s pretty nuts, actually. Yeah sure it’s the same old, same old but who else is going to do Emimen the way Eminem does it? Anyway, three out of 10, for sure, for the record, is a stupid rating. Think more next time you decide to review an album, all right? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Rant Line™. This MALE CLEAVAGE shit has got to stop. I got approached today by some hipster fuck bumming a cigarette off me who had more cleavage showing than some prostitute down on Ste-Catherine and St-Laurent, man. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling to leave a rant to that bitch who stole my purse last week, with my wallet, with all my ID, my passport and my camera. I hope you’re looking at my pictures and you see how fucking GOOD-LOOKING I am and realize you’ll never look as good as me, okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this rant is for the asshole in the Plateau who stole the BACKSEAT of my Ford Windstar. It was out in front of my apartment near St-Laurent and Mont-Royal. I would like you to return it because I need that to get my kids to school. You’re an asshole if you think you have a better use for it, like getting drunk in an alleyway and sitting on it, or smoking pot and sitting on it. Why would you steal a 300-lb backseat of a fucking van for any reason?! Fucking lowlife. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes out to BMX b-boy who thinks he’s so tough. No matter what you think, you still don’t belong on the sidewalk—it’s a sidewalk. And while I’m at it, why don’t you buy a grown man’s bike? [BLEEP!]

M This is a message to the bikers from a pedestrian. Just keep on riding without a HELMET. That’s all I’m asking. [BLEEP!]

M I want advice about buying pot on the street. I always used to get it at the Monument, but now the police have cleaned that place out. There’s a guy in my neighbourhood who deals, I’ve bought from him a few times, but the last time he QUADRUPLED his price and he gave me some story about how the New York market is just SOAKING up all the marijuana. So, is it safe to go to Berri-UQÀM metro and try to buy it there? Or some other place where you can just find a dealer on the street who’s not going to rip you off and the police aren’t going to be watching? [BLEEP!]

M I fall in love with every DOMINATRIX I meet. Somebody, please help. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I have a rebuttal for the guy who said that chicks with the smallest FEET are the hottest. Dude, you don’t know where it’s at. Big is the way to go. Big fat feet. So much better. More flesh. More HEAT. More feet. More everything. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to know if anybody else wonders sometimes why the MOON is constantly out. Like right now, it’s before 8 p.m. on Saturday evening and the moon is in full sight. That’s not so odd. But then sometimes you see the moon at 10:30 in the morning still hanging around up in the sky. Sometimes I think the moon is like a LOSER with nothing better to do. You know, I never see the SUN show its face at 3 a.m. All of a sudden, like, hey, it’s three in the morning and there’s the sun in the sky! That would be pretty awesome actually. Anyway, is there a reason for this and does it happen more and more often now? I used to notice once in a while and now it seems like almost every day I see the moon. [BLEEP!]

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