Get your boner back

Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner
says excessive whacking off is a prime
reason ageing males lose their energy

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Zhen Li

Age: “A secret”

Occupation: TCM practitioner/restorer of “male energy”

Bio: This spunky Laval gal comes from a long line of Chinese medical practitioners, her father, grandfather and great-grandfather all having provided Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) services back in Asia where she grew up. “When I was a little girl in China, I would watch them treat people. I even helped sometimes, preparing herbs and that sort of thing. I was only six years old though, so I wasn’t able to write prescriptions.” Arriving in Canada eight years ago, Zhen first started plying her trade out of her home on a part-time basis, but earlier this year decided to go whole TCM hawg and open up the Acutouch (acutouch.org) clinic in Laval where she now practises—one of her most popular healin’ specialties being “restoring male energy.” “I am the 64th generation grandchild of the king of Tang dynasty. When the king sired his 22nd son, who is my ancestor, he was already very old. I possess the secrets to restore male energy that have been passed down through my family.”

What “restoring male energy” means exactly: Helping impotent fellas sport erections they can once again be proud of.

Is nudity somehow involved? Not exactly. “It’s very normal for the sexual energy of men to weaken once they turn 40. But we can usually help them through natural ways, like consuming special Chinese wine, special herbs and by stimulating acupuncture points. For people who don’t like needles, we use cupping and other ways to stimulate these meridians.”

Does the practice of cupping in the name of erections have anything to do with one’s testicles? No. Cupping is an acupuncture treatment where meridian points are stimulated by applying suction instead of inserting needles.

Back as a six-year-old assistant in her family’s TCM practice, was she ever called upon to “restore the male energies” of certain middle-aged patients? “Oh no, I didn’t even know about those things then.”

Something Zhen Li says you can do that will help turn your sorry little flapper into a mighty rock-hard love bone: “Stop masturbating so much! That’s the most common advice I give to patients and a major reason why many people who see me for this problem are impotent, they masturbate too much. Too much masturbation or sex damages the heart, the spleen, the stomach meridian and the chong mai, you know.”

Why would anybody pay someone like her good money when every healthy male on the face of the earth already knows that if they abstain from sex or masturbating for a while, they’ll progressively grow more sex crazy? Or, for that matter, when they can just pop a Viagra to deal with their erection issues? “Okay, maybe it is quite obvious, but the treatments I give are much better, you’ll have more powerful orgasms and they help increase your libido. With Viagra, you take a pill and you’re good to go one time. But the treatments I give last longer, they rebuild and create a new yin/yang balance, rejuvenating the male body. And there are no side effects.”

Musical preferences: Celine Dion.

Words of wisdom: “Humans have incredible potential against disease, while Traditional Chinese Medicine is a powerful tool for discovering, training and developing such potential.”

Comments: dimwit@hdot.net