THIS WEEK: Feet, jugs,
gas pedal, orbs!

PLUS: Shameless Burp the Turkey promo!!

M Hey, Rant Line™. I’m really pissed off and confused right now. I was talking to my buddy and he told me about this festival he’s putting on, on May 30, called Burp the TURKEY. Winslow, his band, will be headlining but he said something about Humanifesto too. And MY BAND is on too and so are a bunch of other ska punk bands from out of town. So it sounds great, right? But what really pisses me off is that somehow there are all these other shows going on the same night, you know? Chix N’ Dix are doing a free show at Crowbar and the Castavets are doing their one millionth show at Friendship Cove. Even my boy, Clarity, is doing something with his suburban metal band. And I’m sure there’s a bunch of other shows going on the same night. So what’s the occasion? I hate having to compete with other bands, especially my friends. Can’t everyone postpone their shows and come to the very first Burp the Turkey festival? It’s going to be great! There’s going to be around seven bands! But no, no, everyone has to go against each other and make everything completely complicated. What, are we playing tug-of-war with show-goers? Oh God. As for the rest of you lazy fucks, get out there on May 30. Support your local scene, for crying out loud. I’m out. [BLEEP!]

M Morgan Steiker, your review of Eminem’s new album reminded me of people who use great players to put down other great players. Like saying Kobe Bryant sucks because LeBron James is better. Or Crosby sucks because Ovechkin is a better player. This is pointless. You gave Eminem a three on 10 rating, basically calling it whack because Eminem is doing Eminem again. This is not a good enough reason to give such a poor rating to one of our greatest MCs of all time, at the top of his form, with an album produced by Dr. Dre, arguably one of the greatest beat-makers, who has yet to fall off. Or maybe you just don’t understand what this hip hop game is all about? You gave Busta Rhymes four-and-a-half more points, for an album that’s basically BRAGGADOCIO and has no songs with personality and concept. I think you need to re-check Eminem’s album, listen to the songs, listen to the skills and the flows and the verbal DEXTERITY once again. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the Eminem Relapse review. Three on 10? You must be smoking crack! I look way down below and you gave Cam’ron eight on 10, saying his punch lines are healthy as ever, this and that. Come on, man! You’re giving Cam’ron a better rating than Eminem?! In terms of lyrics, in terms of originality, in terms of just plain OBTUSE INSANITY, nothing compares. Even the musicality of the album is unsurpassable. So what I’m going to tell you is you need to really clean the WAX out of your ears and revise your hip hop knowledge before giving reviews that simply do not make any sense. Cam’ron getting eight on 10 is the biggest farce ever. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M I’ll tell you what happened to the disco ball at Sona. I popped it one night, washed it down with about SIX GURUS and they found me three days later making love to the big orb on Ile-Ste-Hélène. [BLEEP!]

M Speaking of missing disco balls, whatever happened to Casa del Popolo’s awesome WASP’S NEST disco ball? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is an open warning to all Montreal PEDESTRIANS. Next one of you motherfuckers who’s about to cross the street and doesn’t look on the bike path or is walking on the bike path, I’m driving right over you. If you’re too fucking stupid and you haven’t learned yet to look both ways before you cross the street, you’re not fit for society. Stay at home. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy bitching about people biking on the sidewalk. Listen, you go ahead and you push that poor little old lady who’s scared to ride in traffic out into traffic. But I dare you, I dare you to try and hit one of us fucking BMX-ers off the sidewalk. Man, we’ll fucking beat you down and roll you over with our fucking bikes. Know what a GAS PEDAL is? Ever felt it with a tire? Yeah, try it. Pansy. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the bitching busboy. What, you guys can’t even pick up a baby’s diaper? My God, it’s a baby. What is wrong with you!? [BLEEP!]

M So basically, my friend just lit his BALLS ON FIRE and I’m wondering what the fuck is wrong with the youth of today? Like, honestly, why can’t we go back to the olden days when we were sniffing glue to try to get high, playing with dogs, beating up the little younger kids and shit like that? What has the world come to? [BLEEP!]

M Just wanted to call to tell you it’s a lovely summer and I think everybody out there should just enjoy the sunshine, get out there, get their VITAMIN K or D or whatever the sun gives you, drink some Coronas, vodka 7Up, look at your girlfriend in her bikini, tell her she looks lovely with her JUGS voluptuously hanging out, and just love life because, sooner or later, you’re not going to see the sun, so have fun. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that one thing that’s for sure in this city, I don’t know how it is elsewhere, but the chicks with the smallest FEET are always the hottest. That’s right. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local music scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).