Dear Sasha, I’m 32 and I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for the past 12 years. Like all couples we’ve had our potholes and speed bumps along the way, but we’ve worked through them and found ourselves stronger for it.
The present speed bump we need help to get over is our sex life. I find myself lacking desire for her. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girl deeply, she’s a great partner: loving, supportive, present, attentive, sensitive and attractive. We share most of our hobbies together: running, swimming, biking, alpinism, gardening and restaurants. But there’s got to be a wrench stuck in a gear somewhere for our relationship to be so great and healthy but the desire for sex not being there.
Maybe I’m bored of our old sex routine and need it spiced up. Maybe I’m too stressed at work and it’s affecting my personal life. Maybe I’ve been training to hard lately (we do triathlons) and physically it’s affecting me in a physiological/hormonal way. I need some guidance here. I wanna find what’s wrong and fix it! Got any words of wisdom? Books to read (nothing too thick)? A story to tell?
—Need Maintenance
Dear Need ,
“You know how it goes,” says the narrator in the Max Ophuls’ film trilogy Le Plaisir, “Contempt has always followed possession. To spend your life with someone you don’t need lust—which is quickly extinguished—but a harmony of minds, temperament and humour.”
Now, keep in mind this film was based on three short stories by Guy de Maupassant, who died at 42 from complications due to syphilis. De Maupassant’s personal understanding of the condition he so insightfully describes (but gives a woefully chummy solution to) was rather limited. He passed away long before he had to put his words to practical use and his concept of non-monogamy, which undoubtedly played some role in this theory, would likely not have included the collusion and transparency that define the current version.
For my part, since you asked, I find the words “contempt has always followed possession” ring very true. When I feel I possess someone—or similarly, when someone possesses me—I know the end is nigh. And yet it seems this lethal pact is expected of a traditional commitment. Gruesome.
Let’s have a look at your hobbies, many of which are competitive in nature. Do you feel that perhaps, alluding to your goal-oriented Weltanschauung, you have conquered your relationship, reached the summit with no other peaks in sight? I wish to point something else out: the great variety of your pastimes. You know that diversity is something that compels you yet extending that notion to sex barely enters the picture. It intrigues me when people recognize that variety is imperative to a satisfying life but can’t conceive of applying that concept to intimacy. We want lust. Forever. But only with one other person and often in a routine fashion, an approach we rarely if ever apply to other delights and expect to maintain a passion for them. Supposing you considered, even just for a moment, the notion of experimenting with some different forms of sexual expression? You seem to enjoy challenges. How about a workshop? Lefty sex shops offer options galore. Here is a list of Canadian ones that may be in your area and presenting something kinky: venusenvy.ca, comeasyouare.com and joytoyz.com.
You may also try contacting the people you see offering workshops at their stores and see if they’ll be coming to your ‘hood for a special event—sometimes your local swing or poly community will bring people in for a party. You climb mountains so the idea of rope is certainly not foreign to the two of you. Some Japanese bondage perhaps? Midori is an expert and she travels frequently for classes (ropedojo.com).
If digging around in the dirt’s your thing well then, a swinger’s club might be just the place for you—just Google swingers or polyamory plus your area. Take that sex life out on an adventure. Flirt with it. Let other people flirt with it—no need to do anything but that for now if you don’t feel inclined. You may find a new shine to it with just a bit of elbow grease.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM
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