THIS WEEK: Bad teachers,
fashion police, Derelict!

PLUS: Emo kids cutting at Fairview?!

M Hey Rant Line™. I have a rant about the Heaviest Local Act category in the Best of Montreal issue. Montreal’s known for having some of the heaviest bands in the world but the number one on the list is Priestess! And then I look down a little bit and I see Arcade Fire. Is this a JOKE?! And you also have eleveneighty on the list. How does a hip hop group end up on the Heaviest Local Act list? The only metal band on that list is Derelict and they should have definitely been higher up. [BLEEP!]

M I’m just wondering—whatever happened to that big DISCO BALL at Club Sona years back? If anyone knows, tell me. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy that was wondering how to get his picture in Nightlife. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you should probably leave the Gay Village. The Nightlife photographers don’t go there—they’re afraid to get completely fucking MOBBED. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who wants to be featured in the Street-Styling section of Nightlife magazine. You should call the Gay Fashion Police and press charges. You might even have a case. If you want to sue Nightlife, try the gay fashion lawyer located in the men’s room of the second floor of the Bay department store downtown, third stall. Regular business hours. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is an open warning to all Montreal cyclists. The next one of you motherfuckers that tries to run me off the sidewalk is getting pushed straight into traffic. If you’re too much of a bitch to ride on the street with the cars, don’t fucking ride. It’s a sidewalk not a SIDE-RIDE. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m calling with a message for a guy that I met on Saturday, May 2, at about noon on St-Charles in the West Island. I was WALKING and you pulled up next to me in your CAR with your girl in the passenger seat. You told me the story about how someone had stolen your wallet at McDonald’s and you needed money to pay for gas to drive back to Ile Perrot. Dude, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I gave you 10 bucks. And as you recall, I was walking as you pulled up in your nice car so that was a big deal for me. I gave you my phone number, you said you’d call back to figure out a time when we could meet up and you could pay me back. And you never did and I think that’s really, really shady. So do the decent thing—call me, please refund me the 10 bucks. Otherwise I’m pretty sure that karma’s going to come back to bite you in the ass. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m a BUSBOY. It’s my job to take away your dirty plates, to clear your tables when you’re done eating and to wipe and reset them and to help you in whatever reasonable way I can. It is not my job to pick up your baby’s dirty fucking DIAPER that you’ve left in the booth. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the chick with the BA who says she is really competent and smart but feels UNEMPLOYABLE. Girl, you probably have a BA in Queer Studies, or Gender Studies, or Post-Colonial EDWARD SAID bullshit. So you know what? You’re not really as smart as you think. You’ve been conned by your professors who are pretty dumb themselves, even though they make you think that you’re smart. And since you are probably just a little bit more clever than the other idiots in your Post-Colonial Studies classes, you think that you’re competent. But you’re not. Anyway, you can always try Café Depot, Second Cup and places like that. Then you will feel somewhat employable. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, you know what I fucking hate? Teachers who do jack-all. And I don’t mean those teachers who give you a couple of PERIODS off. I mean the teachers who do absolutely nothing. Every Thursday we have English and you know what we do? Jack-shit. I’m not even kidding—jack-fucking-shit. You know what I do? I watch Aladdin on my iPod. So she comes over to me and she says, “Darling, you have to do your work” and you know what I say? “Fuck you.” And she walks away. You know what? I hate you. I want to graduate so I want to fucking do English so would you fucking get your act together and do some fucking English on Thursday afternoon? [BLEEP!]

F You know what I love? I love DRINKING, man. It’s so fun when you’re with all your friends, everyone’s having a good time, everyone’s drunk. And I’m in HEELS. I’m in fucking heels. I never wear never heels. But serious, man, KNIVES. Knives are fucking cool, dude. They’re amazing. Like, I don’t slice my wrists or anything unlike those emo kids at FAIRVIEW but I do drink and it’s great. I have to admit, it’s just amazing. Just answer my question: do you think drinking is cool? Like, do you think it’s fucking awesome? I think it’s fucking awesome. You’ve just got to live it out, I guess. Like, live life to the fullest. You’ve only got one, right? So that’s my rant. Peace out, dude. Get me in the newspaper. [BLEEP!]

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