Novel ideas

I am so disappointed. I really did expect more from you. After all, dear reader, how long have we known each other? A few weeks? A few months maybe? Years even? Okay, I know that it’s quite plausible that this is the first time you’ve read this column, and perhaps you’re somewhere taking a dump, or having a coffee, or on the metro (hopefully not all at the same time) and you’re wondering, “Cor blimey guv’na, what is this bloke blathering on about?” (It’s also plausible that you’re from Dickensian East London.)

But for those of you following the 780 words I write each week, I did expect a little more. Maybe an e-mail, or a Facebook message about it. You could have stopped me on the street, grabbed me by the arms, shook me like a little baby, and yelled, “Have you heard the news?!” But no, I had to hear the news from someone else. And a few months after the fact, no less. Now I feel so lost and confused, like a toddler at a Furry convention.

All it took was a quick note, dear reader. Something simple and to the point. Something like:

Dear Raf,

They are making a movie based on Jane Austen’s classic 1813 novel crossed with John McTiernan’s classic 1987 sci-fi alien movie. They are calling it Pride and Predator.

And my response would be simple: my head would totally explode. Just like it did last night when my friend B. casually mentioned this little life-changing piece of information over beers. Ho lee shit. My first reaction was, why didn’t I think of that? I mean, I suppose it’s because I’ve never read Pride and Prejudice, or any Jane Austen novel for that matter. But it’s just the kind of hilarious stoner word play shenanigans that my nerdy friends and I delight in, like when my pal Mark had the idea of taking all those Wolf-named bands and switching the word MILF instead (MILF Parade, We Are MILF, AIDS MILF, MILF Eyes—and the slight variation Neutral MILF Hotel).

But how awesome would it be to watch a crab-faced alien kick the crap out of people in bonnets and top hats for an hour and a half? Luckily, B. was just as excited as I was. His ideal scenario would be to have the film start as a regular costume drama for an hour and 10 minutes and then have the predator suddenly appear in the last 20 minutes. This idea is obviously genius because, for the first two thirds of the film, it’s a madcap romp through Georgian-era gentility, complete with romance, gossip and scandal. And only in the final third does shit go completely bananas—possibly just as the female protagonist is about to marry the rich but devious gentleman while the lowly bootblack she truly loves stands by helpless—and then the alien appears and basically kills EVERYONE and takes their skulls home for trophies. Sweet!

But I’m not only stoked at the prospect of seeing a gentleman with a monocle impaled by a giant laser spear, I’m also excited by what this movie might mean for future classic novel/classic sci-fi crossovers.

Pride and Predator could be a first in a long line of edutaining, feature-length films. Much in the same way those Drunk History shorts deliver a hilarious alternative take on American history where we’re learning and laughing and cringing while historians throw up from eight cranberry vodkas (seriously, Google it—it’s freaking genius), these sci-fi/classic novel flicks could teach kids about some of history’s finest works of fiction, all the while satiating their lust for people’s limbs being ripped off.

Who wouldn’t want to watch a fusion of Ridley Scott’s 1979 classic space thriller and Charlotte Brontë’s 19th century gothic tale of womanhood that could be called Jane Eyrelien? Or maybe something more dystopic, like The Great Gatsby of the Apes, set in the roaring ’20s where everyone is a monkey and the jazz age is in full swing.

Canada should take a cue from this. Heck, even the CBC could get on it with the five-part mini-series Anne of Soylent Green Gables. And why not also teach kids that Canadian history can be fun! We could take our proudest, most famous Canadian heroes and put them in a new futuristic context that shows off what an amazing and engaging history we have! It’s like those one-minute A Part of Our Heritage moments, but awesome, like Louis Riel vs. The Americans vs. The Terminator or ummm… RoboCop Helps James Naismith Invent Basketball… Okay, maybe not.

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA