THIS WEEK: Napalm Death, Big Red,
Griffintown mystery!

PLUS: Hot girls giving blowjobs on metro
said to be new Montreal trend!!

M Fuck all the music you guys are talking about in your shitty magazine. NAPALM is on Sunday. Fuck off. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, it’s late Friday night maybe somebody can explain what the hell’s going on. I went to Café Griffintown to listen to BHARATH, the harmonica guy. I go in and there’s this older guy in a BOWTIE at a piano and he’s playing, I guess, old stuff. And I think, what is going on here? I ask around and they tell me I’m at the wrong place and I should go somewhere else. But it says on the front, Griffintown Café. So I go the street and I run into three people and they ask me where is the Café Griffintown? And I tell them I’m going there and they say no, no, they were just there where I’m going. They were looking for the other place where I saw this guy in the bowtie. So I kept going and I went to the place where the harmonica blues band was and it said Griffintown. I went in and it was good and everything—but what the fuck’s going on here? Can anybody explain this to me? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. My rant is against fucking police. Why can’t they just leave HOBOS alone? Why do they always have to harass them? Leave them alone. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this isn’t so much of a rant but a question. I live near Sherbrooke metro and for the last few years, there’s been this guy, this BUM, that used to be sort of a local. A guy that we see everyday and we call him Big Red because he wears a big winter coat, even in the summer. Always buying beer at nine in the morning at the 24-hour dep. Anyways, I haven’t seen him since before Christmas and I was just wondering if anyone knows if he’s okay. So shout it out if you know. [BLEEP!]

F Hey RantLine™. I’m really funny. I have great ideas. I’m creative, good-looking. I have a BA. I’m literally smarter than everyone I know and more competent. So why do I still feel unemployable? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, for crying out loud, can someone explain this to me? First of all, hi, sweeties, it’s me. I just wanted to say, does anybody know which fucking neighbourhood I have to hang out in to be taken a picture of and put in the fucking Nightlife Street Styling section? I really feel like I have been testing styles left and right these past few weeks ever since spring has shown, and I don’t have a clue as to why I still haven’t been featured once in that shit. Once! And I see people having horrible style!. Who even decides that you should be in the fucking Nightlife? It’s probably a bit vain but I’m really AGGRAVATED. I feel left out. [BLEEP!]

F You know what I hate? When you’re DRUNK and you see friends that you know and then they make you smoke weed and then the BONG WATER goes all over you and you don’t know what to do with that bong water. You just like do this shaking motion off your hand and, like, sometimes the water doesn’t come off and that’s a fucking piss off, you understand me? Yeah? You understand me? That’s my rant. You have a good night now and I’ll possibly rant again sometime tonight. My friends don’t let me drink and drive and [unintelligible]. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so the last gas station in my neighbourhood with FREE AIR is gone. Now we have to pay 50 cents to get air for our tires. They’re telling us they’re going to give the money to charity—this is the fucking oil companies! They are pretending to be humane and charitable and to be good members of our society and community. They’re posing again! If they want to give to charity, they should take it out of their profits! Didn’t we pay for those machines when we bought the gas? Next thing, they’re going to be fucking us to clean our windows—no wait, they stopped doing that! We have to do it ourselves. Next, we’re going to have to pay to use that thing to wash our own windows on our cars! That’s next, you watch! The fucking clowns! And I’m sure they’re bugging the phone and I just gave them a fucking great idea now. [BLEEP!]

M Salt stains is the fashion of 2010. Get with it, bitches. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a message for the BUSTY LADY who has a big problem with another busty lady blonde, the solution to your problem is this: Top Side 69. Make sure you demand the quid pro quo. Make sure the servicing is definitely part of receiving. That way you’ll get what you want and so will she and there won’t be anymore of this teasing. [BLEEP!]

F No, you cannot RAPE nice rack with the twat-teasing blue eyes. You need to grow up and get over her and realize that when you walk away is when she’s going to start begging you. And however good it is, it’s better in your mind. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Montreal is just a great city over all. Last night, I was on the metro, orange line, and the next car from me, I saw this girl, this fine-ass girl, not one of these Laval wannabes. You know, the type that would get off at Jean-Talon and Laurier and Mont-Royal? And she’s giving her guy a BLOWJOB in the metro! Like, hello? It wasn’t one of these Laval girls, it was a genuine wow! So thanks for that. [BLEEP!]

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