THIS WEEK: Beer goggles, salt stains,
girls who tease!

PLUS: Local TV reporter warned
to steer clear of high-class hooker!!

M Hello Rant Line™, this is Pretty Boy Disco Douchebag. I’m responding back to Punk Girl. Listen, punks were mostly outcasts—the bad smudgy make-up, the BAD SKIN, the ripped clothes, the safety pins. I think Punk Girl looked through recent history and found her place among the outcasts. I don’t have a problem with that, but today punk is mostly associated with the people who hang around Berri metro with lots of dogs and a hat out for money. But do they really use their begging for heartworm pills and vaccinations for their pets? Punk Girl, I’m going to turn your logic around —you said punk music is good by virtue of being bad. Don’t practice, don’t improve, just buy an instrument even if you don’t know how to play it. It’s kind of good because it’s bad. Yeah right—that’s the same thing that makes you so BEAUTIFUL. [BLEEP!]

F Look, anybody getting so upset about DISCO and trying to up their coolness by using Iggy Pop as an ALIBI is just as ironic as anyone who’s ever going to get laid with an attitude like that. First off, I love Iggy Pop, his stuff from back in the day is great. But I also just happened to see his face on the back of a bus advertising headphones while I was just in London. That’s kind of selling out if you ask me. But Iggy Pop was great and, to some people, disco was great. So if music has been recorded and someone listens to it, leave them the hell alone. It’s their choice. You don’t choose what jives you, it just does. It’d be more of a waste to let the recordings collect DUST. [BLEEP!]

M I haven’t been out to a lot of clubs lately but the last time I went out I heard some PAVEMENT and, man, Pavement are the best band ever. They’re so good. To all the clubs out there, just play more Pavement, okay? Slaughter all the sacred cows. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just wanted to say that I’m listening to the new Patrick Watson album and whenever I play song number six, “Traveling Salesman,” my DOG keeps tilting her head at every note. It’s the funniest thing. That’s all I have to say—Patrick Watson, you’ve touched my dog. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, sweeties, listen, I just got back from the Adele show and I have nothing but praises for her. She’s a little WONDER, oh, she’s so amazing! From Sam Cooke to Etta James, she gave links to all her idols and she looked so grateful and happy. Keep your eyes on this girl. She rocks, she has this voice! [BLEEP!]

F Hello. This is a very important message for [names local TV reporter]. My son graduated from [names West Island high school] with you and V. 23 years ago and they became friends later on. He saw you and V. when you ran into each other in NDG last November and you spoke with her very briefly. I am opening up to you about V. because this family is afraid of her and you ought to be too. She is not allowed in our home and my son wants absolutely nothing to do with her whatsoever. Here are the reasons why, thanks to my son. 1) She works as a high-class call girl and is involved with the MAFIA. She charges at least $200 an hour. 2) She has a history of stealing money. She likes to steal from her victims while they are asleep, cooking or showering. In 1996, she stole money from a client—an ORTHODOX RABBI in Outremont—and she was never caught. 3) She has a history of dating drug dealers, including the one she accompanied to the high school Class of ‘86 grad dance and ceremony. Listen to me carefully: V. is a beautiful woman and is of the same faith as you. She is very charming. But at the end of the day, she is a Jezebel and a thief. A man like you, with your good looks and good brain, is way too nice for the likes of that woman. You have been warned. [BLEEP!]

F I can’t believe you still haven’t washed the SALT STAINS out of your pants. [BLEEP!]

F All right so I work at a fucking RETAIL store, and I know I speak for everyone who works in fucking retail stores. Why the hell do you direction-asking motherfuckers have to come to me?! You zero in on me and ask me where fucking Zara is. Maybe I don’t want to tell you where fucking Zara is. Did you ever even seem to think that maybe there’s a goddamn information desk five fucking stores down, you stupid motherfuckers? I’m not paid to tell you where shit is! All right? Those girls get paid twice the amount I do. Do you really think that I am going to be happy to explain to you how to go from left to right to left to fucking right? Fuck you. Fuck your mama. Shut the fuck up. Leave me alone. And piss off. [BLEEP!]

M I saw something on some news show saying that BEER GOGGLES are a myth. I just want to say I think that’s fucking bullshit. I know from personal experience beer goggles are not a myth. [BLEEP!]

F So I have this big problem. There’s this big hot blonde with a NICE RACK and this awesome ass and these big blue eyes. But she’s a TWAT-TEASE. Every time she gets my pussy nice and wet, she goes to lick it and she never does it. So what should I do about this? Should I let this blonde keep twat-teasing me or should I just RAPE her in the bathroom when I get the chance? Please answer my question, Rant Line™. I am begging you. [BLEEP!]

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