THIS WEEK: Little Baby, MUTEK, motorcycles, the 97 bus!

PLUS: Reason for baggy grey
sweatpants revealed!!

F This is the Punk Girl responding to the Disco Douchebag. You upset me, sir. Look, disco was mindless fucking fluff. It was all these people who wanted to go to a club in GOLD PANTS and dance while the whole world turned to shit. Disco people were like Nero fiddling away while Rome burned. They’re like the hipsters now—the cum-sucking, cunt-fucking son of a bitch hipsters who’d all rather be stylish than smart. It’s for zombies, it’s for people who don’t really know what’s going on in the world. And just to upset you even further, I just want to let you know that Iggy Pop is blasting in the background while I’m giving this rant, okay? Go cry into your SPARKLE SUIT, prettyboy. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy who called complaining about the BOUNCERS at Reggie’s. Just so he knows, it’s not the Concordia bar, it’s the Concordia Student Union bar. And the bouncers are really very nice, actually. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, here’s my rant: MUTEK keeps inviting the same five artists and DJs every fucking year. MINIMAL is dead, move the fuck on. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Hamza calling from Little Baby HQ in NDG. I’ve got a rant about the local music scene, but more specifically about the local music media. Why is it that the journalists at the Mirror and CKUT and Midnight Poutine and all the blogs and everything—all the supposed Montreal musical tastemakers—they never dare to venture further west than St-Laurent whenever they want to find out new music? My band the Nevers, along with our boys Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America, Stars and Skies, frickin’ Bones Malone, we’ve been busting our asses for years, playing sick shows, building a fanbase, making some of the best music in town. But the press is totally oblivious to it. There’s a RIOT going on, people. Fuck the arrogant, self-obsessed Plateau scene, fuck the Pirates of the Lachine Canal, the oh-we’re-so-hip-and-off-kilter exclusionary scene. This summer belongs to the West End. This summer belongs to Little Baby Records. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I went to the Coeur de Pirate and Yann Tiersen show. When I picked up my tickets, I made sure to ask if they had a CAMERA POLICY and they said they didn’t and I could bring any camera. So I brought my expensive $500 Nikon D40 and I get to the door and the security guard stopped me. He’s, like, you have to check your camera at the ticket booth. So I go to the ticket booth and I gave this chick hell because she said my camera is too professional. As if I would sell my shots! I’m fucking 15 years old! I’m not going to do something like that! Anyway, I didn’t get any fucking pictures of the show, so if anyone has any, send them to miss.misery@live.ca. That’d be awesome, so yeah, bye. [BLEEP!]

F What’s up Rant Line™? This goes out to the guy complaining about HOT CHICKS walking around in baggy grey sweatpants. There is possibly an explanation behind this ugly fashion behaviour that I too have been guilty of. He may have spotted me the other morning wearing such sweatpants—I had to steal them from my neighbour because I had gone over there the previous night in nothing but my PANTIES and a RAIN JACKET. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s up with the return all of a sudden of the wannabe ’70s porn star look, with the creepy moustache and the excessive hair and those big glasses with no lenses in them? I mean, that look was ugly in the ’70s, and creepy—it looks like it smells like DIRTY CARPETS and dead cigarette butts and it’s still creepy and pretty disgusting now. I don’t get it. Please, lose the ’stache. [BLEEP!]

M Summertime is upon us, all the women are walking around downtown, out of hibernation, and the reason for my call is to tell all the drivers that are downtown and around the area of Montreal, please take notice that there’s something called MOTORCYCLES on the street. When you’re driving with your latté in your hand and your cell phone, checking out the hot women walking down the street, keep in mind to check your BLIND SPOT because getting a fender on the side of your leg when you’re driving your bike, minding your own business, not driving like an asshole, tends to suck. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, what up Rant Line™? So it’s presently 5:05 and it’s a Sunday and I’m on the 97 on Mount Royal and I’m drinking a bottle of WINE on the bus but everyone’s staring at me and it’s so fucking annoying. One guy looks like a hillbilly, another one looks like a heroin addict and they’re just all staring at me. Why can’t people let me drink? It’s a free country for God’s sake! I don’t care if it’s a Sunday! All these people on the bus, they’re going to read the Rant Line™, go fuck yourself. I love you, Rant Line™ [hic]. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Montreal. It was pretty nice last week so I decided to buy a case of BEER and share it with this homeless guy. We start chatting in the park and hanging out and at some point we were talking to each other about what would be the coolest job to have in the world. So he pulls out a Mirror newspaper out of his dirty jacket and he said, “That would be the best job ever!” And I said, “What?” and he shows me the Rant Line™. He said, “Can you imagine people who just listen to all those calls all day and they get high or get drunk and listen to all of this and figure out what’s the funniest shit? That’s what I want to do, this is my DREAM JOB.” And then he burped. [BLEEP!]

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