Dear Sasha, I’m presently seeing someone five years my junior, and while all is well in every other aspect of the relationship, in the bedroom, it’s a little strained on my part. Firstly, I’ve never been that comfortable to always “just let go” as everyone so easily puts it, in order to have an orgasm. It’s happened, but on rare occasions. My boyfriend is eager to please, which for some reason makes me feel like I’ve got even more pressure to have an orgasm, which in turn makes me focus on it like it was my final science project or something. Things almost always end with me not having one.
My second problem is that being older, and the female of the duo, I am not exactly what one would call active during intercourse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no dead starfish, but my boyfriend is very active, very flexible, and has bended me in ways I didn’t think were possible, which is not a complaint. I would just like to do more than the ordinary woman on top position if you know what I mean. Is there any kind of workshop, DVD or something I could take a look at? Something you’d recommend? I just know that he’s trying really hard and I have to do something about both these issues, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
—BB
Dear BB
,
Okay barf, I know, but yoga actually helps with flexibility and strength, especially a form like Ashtanga. I’ve almost always been supple thanks to backgrounds in gymnastics and compulsive, avant-garde dancing whenever I hear Van Halen and even I’ve discovered new flexibility through this practice. (Though, admittedly, one reason for my success is a totally un-yogic like approach, i.e.: “That’s right you skinny bitches, the fat bitch can do the splits! Fuck you, skinny bitches!”). So get your ass into a class now. You’re never too old or too rickety and yoga also has the added bonus of making you less bonkers if you take in all the ingledy bingledy business that some instructors like to lay on you.
Let’s also address the whole “letting go” in order to come during partner sex thing. You wouldn’t be wrong in feeling that an enormous lack of dignity is required to make such a major jackass of yourself in front of someone you like. Yes, you look ridiculous having an orgasm. But come on, you look dumb eating and talking too and does that stop you from shoving huge gobs of food into your mouth or blabbing your head off in plain view of dozens of people, sometimes at the same time?
The “letting go” message needs to be supplemented by the understanding that oftentimes you’ve just got to root that fucker out using all the hardware in your arsenal: porn, vibrating items, favourite images from your top secret file-o-fax, filthy banter. You need to chase that orgasm down like you’re a Green Beret, darting stealthily through the jungles of your mind, driving it from its safe, habitual warren until it emerges exhausted and beaten. For many of us, orgasm with partners requires a deft combination of wilful unselfconsciousness and surgical focus (and yes, barf, yoga will help you with this too) but by the same token, having someone sitting on your shoulder pressing their own agenda can be a real mood killer, so tell that man to settle down while you engage in the task at hand. It’s your orgasm, not his. You need to take charge of it before he can share in the glory of Operation Climax.
Here’s a guide by Nina Hartley that you might find incredibly helpful: amazon.com/Nina-Hartleys-Guide-Total-Sex/dp/1583332634. Nina’s pretty much seen it all, she’ll sort your shit out in the positions department. I also found this hilarious Web site that gives 3D versions of several dozen sex postures, none really all that astounding but still funny to watch, if only because it’s always so weird being turned on by this type of animation: sexinfo101.com/sexualpositions.shtml.
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