CALLING
DR. LOVE

It’s fairly obvious that, when plotting to get some alone time with a woman he’d just met at a Naperville, Illinois, pool hall, James A. Rush was thinking with his dick. It’s equally obvious he’s got a pretty stupid dick, because only a stupid dick thinks love blooms eternal from a fake 911 call.

The heartbreaker begins with a drunk woman, abandoned at the bar by the man she’d arrived with, leaving with the word-slurring, sweet-talking Rush. A patrol officer noticed the pair stumbling along together outside the bar and, when the woman dashed across a parking lot away from Rush, the officer stepped in. He offered to get the woman a cab and told Rush to beat it.

Shortly thereafter, the officer’s radio squelched with a report of gunshots fired nearby. It didn’t take long for 911 dispatchers to ID the call as having been made from Rush’s mobile. Police tracked Rush down and, when the phone in his pocket began ringing with a call-back from the dispatcher, Rush confessed the gunfire report was a ruse to lure police away so he could return to his malt-breathed mistress. Instead, he’ll be snuggling a judge.

by SCOTT SAXON