THIS WEEK: Fluffer Boy, Random Tush Grabber,
Mr. Gay Ambassador!

PLUS: Raging preps terrorize South Shore buses!!

F Whoa, man, whoa. The Beatles, Zeppelin, Hendrix, Sabbath. Holy shit. That stuff is, like, so rebellious and subversive—totally mind-blowing. Music now, it’s all made from the establishment. It panders to the man. Nobody’s doing anything new or fucking good. Whatever, man. You and your BABY BOOMER bullshit should go shove it up your ass. Out with the old, in with the new. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

F Another one of CHOM’s problems, other than Rush and Gowan, is Kim Mitchell. Fucking Kim Mitchell. [BLEEP!]

F Hello dearest darling Rant Line™. This is to address the person who called in with the public service announcement to all young punk bands. He tells them to take themselves SERIOUSLY and do research as if you’re practising to write an essay or the SAT. Look, it’s not a test! It’s not school! It’s music! And, obviously, he has demonstrated that he doesn’t know the first thing about punk rock. The whole point is you gather up your friends, you start your band and then you learn how to play. It’s all DIY. The whole point of punk rock was that it told kids, you know what, it’s okay to be amateurish. What do you think the Ramones were like when they first started? Punk was a backlash against the bloated DINOSAUR ROCKERS of the ’60s who took themselves too seriously and were really fucking pretentious with their big fucking stadium shows. Punk rock was for kids who weren’t necessary the best musical talents but who had a lot of spunk and who just wanted to say fuck you to all these pretentious assholes. I don’t know this guy but I don’t like him—he sounds like he should go be a banker or go work in a CUBICLE. Don’t listen to him, kids starting bands. Don’t listen to him. That guy sucks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Trigger Effect has just come back from their European tour. I want to know when the hell are they going to play for their local fans. Fine that they go away but it’s time that they give us some more of their punk. [BLEEP!]

M This is for Marillion. They were here in Montreal for the MARILLION WEEKEND. I want to say thanks to the band, it was great to see them! And to all the people in Montreal and all over the world who came to support them. Go, Marillion, go. [BLEEP!]

M Hi there, Rant Line. This is the Girlfriend’s FLUFFER BOY calling just to tell you they do do that much coke—although typically it’s off the tip of my dick. And, man, can they ever suck dick. So they may as well be called Slutfriends. And as for them GETTING NAKED on stage, it’s about time girls got silly and stupid and have fun and get naked on stage. As for the girl with the condom song, I really think it was her who called in because it sounded a lot like her. Anyways, peace Rant Line™. And fucking remember, there’s no I in Girlrlfriends [Ed’s note: Grlfriends? Grlfrnz?] because they did all the E and sucked all the D. Yo, suckers. GRL! [BLEEP!]

F Hello there, Rant Line. To the guy last Friday at SAT—I didn’t fucking enjoy your little fist grab. You’re a perv for touching my ass and luckily I have a PICTURE of you, motherfucker. Yeah, I understand you need to get laid but don’t go to a rave thinking you’re going to get pussy by grabbing RANDOM TUSHES, especially mine. If I ever see you on the streets, I’m going to put my foot so far up your ass, you’re going to eat it for breakfast for a fucking week. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, two of my friends got on a bus to the South Shore after one of our music shows—we play in a band and we played a good show tonight. And they got on the bus and all these PREPPIE kids were on it and one of them, this Harry Potter-looking fuck, came up to them and said “Why are you on the bus? Get off the bus.” And they were like, “Ok, ok, we’ll get off the bus,” but before they could, a bunch of their fucking friends came up and started kicking the shit out of them. My friends are beside me right now, they’re laughing, but they’re beaten to shit! This is bad, this is really, really bad. These preppie kids are probably patting themselves on the back for kicking the shit out of two guys—20 guys kicking the shit out of two guys! Good work, nice work, you fucking fuckers! Also, the cops did nothing. The cops were outside and they told my friends to call 911. Cops! Come one! Anyway, fuck you, preppie kids, get a life. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who has dropped acid over 2,000 times and has freebased everything and said that music is dead. I’m inclined to agree with you for the most part, but I would recommend that you go listen to an album from a gentleman named El-P called I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead. Ignore whatever preconceived notion you may or may not have about hip hop, or rap, or electronically produced music, and then reconsider what you said in your rant. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the guy who ranted about his girlfriend lending a lighter to some dude that knocked on the window. I don’t know in what kind of bubble she lives in on the Plateau, but there are these people called CRACKHEADS. He used all the BUTANE up! Crackhead. Crackhead. [BLEEP!]

M All right, to Mr. Gay Ambassador. My ass IS juicy when it’s being fucked. You shouldn’t generalize for all gay people—you can’t be speaking for all of us who either have ANAL sex or gay sex or mix-it-up type sex. We demote you as Gay Ambassador! So there! [BLEEP!]

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