Open relationship heartache

Dear Sasha, I’m 23 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been together for four years and generally our relationship is good, but one thing that’s changed is that my girlfriend isn’t as interested in sex as she once was. Like, almost never, though she jerks off a ton. Her way of dealing with this has been to encourage me to see other girls, something I haven’t felt comfortable doing.

It felt like she was trying to slough off responsibility on someone else and not deal with her feelings. What can I do, though? I’m fucking horny and I met someone at work who is cool and I told my girlfriend this. She seemed very open and happy about the possibility, that is until things actually started taking shape.

I went home with the girl one night. This turned into a disaster, to say the least. Halfway through, my girlfriend texts me and says she needs to talk to me. Obviously, I can’t ignore the text so I call her. She tells me, crying, that this was a huge mistake. She insists on apologizing to the other girl, who is obviously really uncomfortable.

Things just go to the dogs at this point; the other girl says I need to leave and I go home and my girlfriend and I basically spend the night crying. It’s been a couple of days and we just feel we have no way of dealing with this situation.

—Really, Really, Really Hurt and Confused

Dear Really,

We've all been in the old Cant Fuck Me, Cant Fuck Without Me situation but at least your girlfriend is looking for alternatives rather than just holding your cock hostage. While this isn't the healthiest reason or way to open up a relationship, it does merit some investigation. Anyone who's experimented with non-monogamy has suffered some sort of calamitous opening gambit. I mean, good lord, aside from the modern addition of cell phones, this one could've come out of a time machine from my own past-I'm having sympathetic cringing seizures just reading it.

You guys need to read about non-monogamy before you start launching your already tenuous relationship into outer space, so I'm going to recommend you get your hands on Redefining Our Relationships by Wendy-O-Matik. Its short, contemporary and deals nicely with the concept of being loving and gentle to oneself and ones partners something you could both use right about now.

You may find after some deliberation that your girlfriend is simply too afraid to end the relationship at this juncture and you need to work on breaking up rather than adding lovers, but this book will help you be just a little kinder towards each other while you're going through this shit storm.

Dear Sasha, You’ve been writing here and there about pregnancy and sex and we really appreciate it. Hip Mama was a great resource for my wife as was Ecstatic Birth. What an amazing video for when we actually get there.

Right now, we’re looking for something in the video format that is somewhat enlightening and sexy. Our experience is that erotic films featuring women who are pregnant treat it like a fetish, which in turn makes it feel unnatural. While seeing pregnant women fuck is good for my wife’s self-image we’re looking for something a little less fetishizing.

—J&B

Dear J&B,

Ew, I know right? Is “preggo” not the grossest word in English slang and yet it’s used to a criminal degree in all that knocked-up porn.

Have a look at Nina Hartley’s Guide to Great Sex During Pregnancy. It features two actual porn stars in their third trimesters discussing sex during pregnancy as well as having it onscreen: one, Violet Blue (now known as Noname Jane because of a lawsuit launched against her by the sex blogger and writer of the same name) with her partner Dick Danger and another, Tiffany Mynx, who gets it on with Nina. Nina’s “Guide” videos follow a format where they open with an educational segment that take an informal attitude (mind you, I wish they’d gone to some trouble to teach Blue that labia is not pronounced lablia) and then a few sex scenes that range from really hot to fairly scripted. The scenes in Great Sex During Pregnancy don’t go off the charts but they are definitely more respectful and realistic than Banging Buns in the Oven or Daddy Dent My Head.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM