THIS WEEK: Lady Gaga, hoodies, furries!

PLUS: Man who has done LSD over 2,000 times
disputes Darwin!!

M Yeah, I went to Big Daddy Kane show and I just wanted to say les Saints sucks. We had to check our HOODIES at the door and pay $3 coat check—a mandatory hoodie check. That’s bullshit and it’s ruining hip hop for everyone. It’s deadly. I hate it. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is the singer from Seized By Force. I’m just responding to the guy that left such a lovely message about us last week. Hey, man, you crack me up. Hope you have a fun time washing that BEER out of your shirt. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. This is for people at Sala Rossa who do not wear deodorant and who have SMELLY FEET. You need to do something about it because this is a place that’s really hot and we want to dance. We don’t want to smell you. You know who you are. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F So today I waited outside HMV for five hours to see Lady Gaga and then I got to see her for 40 seconds before her people WHISKED her away. Now I’m sitting at home feeling kind of used and thinking whether or not it was worth it. In the line, I started thinking really and deeply about what we were there for, the jillions of us who showed up. What were we there for exactly? To see this person. And I was kind of holding my insides and thinking, I don’t even like her! I don’t even like her. I hate her music. I’m only here, I thought to myself, to see a FAMOUS PERSON. How fucking pathetic is that? I waited for five hours to see a person for 40 seconds—a person that I don’t even like. And people were crying. Crying! I saw grown men, little girls and gay guys crying because she’d signed something for them. And I’m thinking: it’s just her name. You’re crying because someone wrote their name down. I’m just really starting to question the sanity of the human race and my own integrity. I’m a real big wanker. Thanks for letting me share, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F The answer to all of the CHOM problems is GOWAN. Only Gowan. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this rant is about a rant a couple of weeks ago about U2. Yeah, that rant was right. U2 is for squares. I’m 49 years old, I’m the age of U2, I can tell you, man, I’ve dropped ACID over 2,000 times, did the coke trip, freebased everything, but you know what? I’ve listened to great music. Beatles, Stones, the Who, THE FLOYD, Zeppelin, the Doors, Janis, Jimi Hendrix—the whole fucking bit. Black Sabbath—as far as heavy music is concerned, there’s no point in trying to better it. That was it. And you know what? I think all that MUSIC IS DEAD. That’s all dead work. It’s the end of the world soon, so you know what? I think everyone should pray for themselves! And think about death. We are going to die. I’m going to die. On this ball that’s rolling around its star in the middle of nowhere in the universe. I don’t know where it begins or where it ends. I know that humans can see infinity forward, but can they see infinity backward? DARWIN is a shithole. I don’t believe that humans come from monkeys. It’s like people who used to think not long ago that the Earth was flat. Darwin is a fucking asshole as far as I’m concerned. But U2 is shit, man. It’s shit. Okay. I’m sorry. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, y’all? Just want to say to the bastard loser who came to my girlfriend’s condo in the Plateau, knocking on the window, asking to borrow a LIGHTER that he said he would return in half an hour last Saturday. Well it’s been—how much days?—one, two, three, four, five days now and you’re a no-show! Just to let you know, I saw your asshole face, a face I won’t forget! I just hope I never ever see you anywhere so I can put your ass in a hole where you belong. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Just to follow up on the topic of owls and animal heads on the human body thing. I can understand animal heads on human bodies in mythology, like the MINOTAUR or the jackal-headed god ANUBIS. So even though we’re not in 2009 BC, I can understand that today it may serve an artistic point of view for whatever wicked reason the artist had in mind. But one thing I cannot relate to—and I find this fucking disturbing—it’s when those FUR fags actually make porn out of that type of drawing! Go on the Internet and you run the risk of finding one of those pornographic Japanese bunny-heads on the female body! And some people actually dig that kind of thing, you know? It kind of disgusts me to no end. Like, seriously, how can somebody be aroused by a bunny with tits? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, hey, sugar, it’s me again. Well, as you know, I’m GAY and maybe it would be really nice to have a stupid question forum, because I’m really tired of answering stupid questions all day long. I just want to clarify: gay people, when we’re aroused, we do not create any natural LUBRIFICATION with our ass. Because I’ve been asked that question—believe it or not—and we do not—there is no natural lubrification of the anus. It doesn’t happen. So there you go, I’m answering one question. The other one is, gay people, we’re not turned on by our own cocks. We don’t look in the mirror going “I want you.” No, we don’t. I just want to clarify that. We like cocks and our own is nice, but it’s not going to get us off. I just want to clarify because me, I feel like I’m the gay AMBASSADOR for moronic oxymoron heteros. I just want to make sure everybody’s on the same page with the gay stuff, okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

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