Future on the mind

Psychic claims paranormal insights into love,
finance, work and the afterlife of dead pets

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: “Psychic Clara”

Age: 36

Occupation: Being Psychic Clara

Bio: This mysterious “I-don’t-want-anyone-to-know-where-I-live” gal says she first realized she possessed “a true psychic gift” after several predictions she made as a teenager apparently came true. Following in the footsteps of her mother and grandmother before her, at age 20, Psychic Clara decided it was high time she become a professional psychic/clairvoyant/etcetera herself, and today will not only tell you everything you ever needed to know about your past, present and future, but will also pick your lucky lotto numbers and deliver encouraging messages from beyond that your deceased pets feel you oughta know. Specializing in the areas of “love, finance and work,” PC says she’s “accurate 95 per cent of the time. No psychic can claim to be 100 per cent accurate. That would be a lie.” To find out what your future holds, go to astroclara.com.

One incredible prediction she made as a teenager: That her sister was going to break up with the guy she’d been seeing. “She didn’t want to believe me, but sure enough, three months later, they broke up.”

How the phenomenal insight suggesting a teen romance might not last more than a few months actually comes to her: “It depends, usually I get flashes, I see an image in front of me, a vision of an upcoming event.”

A few upcoming events Clara says you can bank on: That Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon will split up within five or six years, and that American Idol will be doomed after another few seasons.

Does she need to meditate or actively focus on these crucial world events in order to predict how they’ll play out? “Well, I’m a big fan of American Idol, but no, when I watch the show, I get a feeling, like, ‘Oh my God, this person could win, this person could get eliminated,’ or, you know, that in three or four years, this show will go off the air. It just comes to me, usually unexpectedly, I can’t control it. I can’t explain why and how I get this information, I just do.”

On her “pet psychic e-mail reading” service: “I usually get these requests after a pet has passed away and people want to know if their animal is okay or has any messages for them from the other side. So I give them the answers. If their animal has died in an accident, for example, I can tell people if it’s come to terms with its death or not. People are very attached to their pets, you know.”

Do these animals ever tell her that the afterlife totally fuckin’ sucks and why didn’t their asshole owner change their water more regularly anyway, or for that matter, ever get around to fixing that hole in the fence they escaped through which got them hit by a car in the first fuckin’ place? “No, I’ve never connected with an animal that had negative messages for their owner.”

Why she doesn’t just pick some winning lotto numbers for herself and retire? “Because no psychic can predict that, otherwise we’d all be millionaires.”

Last book read: Seduction by the Stars, by Ren Lexander and Geraldine Rose.

Musical preferences: Madonna, Alicia Keys.

Words of wisdom: “Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.”

Comments: dimwit@hdot.net