THIS WEEK: Jonas, Snoop, owls,
Obama walking on water!

PLUS: Local punk band causes crowd to bump
into man and spill beer on him!!

M Hey Rant Line™, I was at Barfly last night and I just wanted to hang out and have a couple drinks, see some bands from out of town. But a local band by the name Seized by Force went on and just kind of ruined my night. Basically, they looked like a HIGH SCHOOL BAND. They were probably UNDERAGE and the singer was trying to look like some kind of political activist with his Che shirt. But he’s just a dumb punk, you know, they’re all just dumb punks. And their songs were really offbeat and I couldn’t really hear the words—but I bet I wouldn’t have liked them either way. And people were actually like, you know, PUSHING EACH OTHER AROUND to this music! I mean, it wasn’t even any good! And some kid bumped into me and I poured my beer all over myself and that just ruined my night. JOHNNY RAMONE is rolling around in his grave because of those kids. They just should do their own gigs at their high school auditorium and just leave the Montreal music scene. They don’t belong there. Out. [BLEEP!]

M About the guy that was bitching about too much Hip and too much Rush on CHOM. Listen, it could be worse. They have to play Canadian content. What else would you suggest they play? I don’t want to hear Tom Cochrane any more. I’m tired of Kim Mitchell. So don’t bitch about the Hip! It’s one of the only good bands who came out of Canada. What else do we have? Fucking Bryan Adams and Nickelback?! [JESS!]

M I noticed I’m not the only one driving my vehicle with HEADPHONES on. I do it because my company truck doesn’t have a CD player and I don’t like to listen to what the radio stations offer, except for CKUT and CISM—sometimes they do play some decent music. I know it’s illegal but what the hell? It’s way less dangerous than driving while talking on the cell phone… which I’m doing right now. Anyway, that’s my rant and I’m a first time caller. And about the Wonderballs—I prefer to have my balls free than be CLAMPED in such a construction. So peace, dudes. [BLEEP!]

F On a sunny SPRING day, there’s something completely unmistakable in the air and it’s DOG SHIT and HUMAN PISS. Now, first, you know you live in an urban environment and that entails some extra cleaning up after your best friends. Actually, you’d have to do that in the country too. If you can’t be bothered to do so, then don’t have a dog. It’s that simple. Secondly, I work in a place where we have a washroom available to the public but guys and GIRLS still insist on pissing around the premises. You should be shot in the face as a favour to humanity. I hope you SQUAT on a used needle and get hepatitis. That being said, would it kill the city to install some toilets downtown? That way people don’t have an excuse. You know, the kind that are self-cleaning and pay-per-use? Now, this would be a source of revenue, keep the city cleaner and could be paid for by giving fines to the people who continue to piss everywhere. Do we like living in a MIASMATIC CESSPOOL? [BLEEP!]

M I called a while back saying that the best strip song was by JONAS but I take it back. I had to let you know for the good of strip club fans everywhere, the best strip song is “Sexual Eruption” by Snoop Dogg. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is a response for the guy going on about the Obama t-shirts. Dude, I feel you, man. You’re right. He’s been president for less than three months and people have been praising him like he’s JESUS. If you go on the theobamaforum.com, you’ll find threads where people have actually superimposed Obama’s face onto Jesus walking on water. This is insanity. All the fucking people out there that are wearing Obama shirts or think Obama’s a great president, you’re fucking stupid, all right? I mean stupid-stupid. The guy hasn’t done shit yet. Okay? You guys are all like, “Ah, he’s going to save us from what Bush did.” You think so? Do you really think so? Because every time I look on the fucking news, I see Obama being all BUDDY-BUDDY with Bush. It’s like Bush is still on the fucking scene! If Obama really was the guy you guys are hoping for, he’d be kicking Bush in his face, man. Think about it! He’d be kicking him in the fucking face! Not, “Hey, how’s it going, I’m Obama.” “Well, I’m Bush, how do you do?“ “I’m rich.” “I’m rich, too. Ha ha ha ha.” [BLEEP!]

M This is to the ass-wipe complaining about people drawing OWLS and drawing people with ANIMAL HEADS. Listen, once you get a little older maybe, you’ll notice this. There may be five or six genuinely creative people in any town at any time and it takes them a while to get there. Sometimes they’ve got to emulate what other people are doing. There is also something called the fashion of the time, which is where something takes hold, just like TRIBAL TATTOOS a few years ago. That’s the way human nature works. Most people want to do what other people are doing. They want to feel part of something. Maybe they want to leave rants for people to read. So get off your HIGH HORSE and instead of complaining about what people are doing, do something different yourself. And if you don’t like something, don’t look at it. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is to my soul mate with the master machete and sleeping bag. How do we do this already? I want to know and I want to do it now. [BLEEP!]

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