THIS WEEK: N.A.S.A., Jason,
Obama, Simon!

PLUS: Wonderballs idea nixed!!

M This is for the guy freaking out over the U2 review. U2 is for SQUARES, amigo. U2 is for squares. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know why everybody’s so shocked about CHOM. I mean, come on—CHOM stands for Continuously Honouring Old Men. [BLEEP!]

M N.A.S.A. can eat a dick. Man, I was so excited about that show. I got all my friends out and what a disappointment. I wanted to hear Chuck D, David Byrne, ODB, Karen O, all jamming out on the same track. Instead, these guys are, like, ‘Oh, our CD’s by the door, in the meantime, let’s just play M.I.A. really fucking loud.’ Well, if I want to hear “Paper Planes,“ I can go to Bifteck any night of the week! The other thing, your orange fucking SPACESUITS are played, man, you look like five-year-olds. And the dancing girls, not feeling it. Worst 15 bucks I’ve spent in a long time. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I’m calling about the person who ranted about the BLOND BOUNCER at Korova. His name’s Simon. He’s really nice. You should try talking to him if you think he’s aggressive before going to the Rant Line™, coward. [BLEEP!]

F First off, the bouncer at Korova is an intelligent, SAVVY and experienced security person and aggressive would be the last word I would use to describe him. Secondly, it is because of you OBNOXIOUS DRUNK STUDENTS that the bar even requires a bouncer to control you wankers. If you knew how to behave in bars like civilized people, there would be no need for so-called aggression. Your shout-out is so weak, girl. Get your head out of your ass and go talk to him yourself. He’s there every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Quit being a pussy your whole life and talking shit about people who you really don’t even know. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl who listens to loud music on the bus and doesn’t give a shit if it bothers anyone—I would rather hear the FART NOISES you so eloquently say the bus makes than hear your crappy-ass music. I would even rather listen to the other riders actually farting. In fact, I would rather cut off my ears and shove them up your ass. If you want to blast your music, stay in the dirty, cockroach-infested shithole you no doubt live in. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, about Obama t-shirts. I understand he’s black and he’s cool and all, but he’s still the President of an EVIL EMPIRE. If I had Bill-fucking-Clinton on a t-shirt, let alone MCRONALD REAGAN, what would happen to me? I’d get fucking pelted with rotten food everywhere I went. You know, there’s such a thing as giving over too much power. Walking around with a guy who hasn’t even been President for three months’ face on a t-shirt gives him pretty much open season to do whatever the hell he likes over the next four to eight years. Evidently, we would rather have fucking Bon Jovi in office or some kind of rock star to take care of stuff for us. So next time you slap on your Che Guevara Obama shirt with the multicolours, think about it. He’s the president of the United States of America! [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I’m calling in regards to the Wonderballs idea. I think it’s really stupid and disgusting. I wouldn’t like to sleep with a guy and have him take off his Wonderballs bra or whatever the fuck. So, yeah, dude, good luck starting that. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy who came up with the Wonderballs idea. Um, I hate to break it to you, but it’ll never work because your balls are actually cooler than the rest of your body, and by putting those puppies in a bra, you’re actually going to be raising the temperature, thereby decreasing your SPERM COUNT. Look it up on the net. And I don’t know how many guys would want their balls any tighter than they are, considering the TIGHT GAY PANTS half these idiots in town are wearing. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Wonderballs, they’re called athletic supporters and JOCK STRAPS. They’ve been around for, oh, a week or two. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy that thinks someone should come up with bras for balls. Uh, someone already did. It’s called UNDERWEAR. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the buffoon who was so happy he got the free box of condoms from the needle-exchange place. No wonder you don’t wear them. Man, you must be a real HOT DATE. You can’t even spring for condoms, imagine where you would take your girlfriend? Good Lord. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got three things to say. Firstly, what is up with the burning plastic smell on the new buses? Secondly, if you’re at ART SCHOOL and you just drew an owl in your sketch book, just fucking stop it right there. Thirdly, if I see another animal head on a human body or a human head on an animal body in a piece of so-called art, I am going to unzip and do a HORIZONTAL poop on it. Leave that shit in ancient Egypt. [BLEEP!]

M This is the Jason fan. To all the Jason-ites out there: You are welcome to join me as I give praise to the MASTER SLASHER at the church of the divine psychopath. Membership is at fright-guy@hotmail.com. And to my soul mate, I’ve got the master machete and the sleeping bag. Let’s do this already. Bye. [BLEEP!]

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