The democratic family

Alyson Schafer turns dysfunction on its head
with Honey, I Wrecked the Kids

by JULIET WATERS

I like Alyson Schafer’s attitude in Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. Rare is the psychotherapist who actually claims that the “discipline-resistant” child is fundamentally just a kid insisting on his right to live in a democratic family. “They are the people who are going to drive our future, by hook or by crook, and they are banging on our doors. Wake up! We want change!”

I just thought my son, Ben, eight, wanted Playstation NHL2009, and permission to play it on demand. But I have seen a change in him since I started following Schafer’s suggestions, and dialling down the parental controls. A couple of weeks ago, he actually walked into the kitchen and said, “You know, mom, I think I need more responsibilities.”

Unfortunately this doesn’t mean that he followed through on the responsibilities, or even remembered our discussion a week later. So, last Sunday, we had our first weekly family meeting.

“But mom, we’re not a family,” Ben insisted when I first brought up the idea. “Families are bigger.”

Perhaps you see Ben’s point and wonder, why have family meetings when you’re only two people? Well one of the reasons, I’m discovering, is that if you know you’re going to have a family meeting, you don’t feel the same obligation to maintain a constant stream of negotiation (aka nagging). Another is written terms of agreement that can be referred to the next week. And another is structured allowance allocation (I am so in arrears that Ben could use a collection agency. Though playing on my guilt, so that I almost always buy him what he wants, is working for him too.)

As you may deduce from the minutes of our meeting, we have a ways to go. Schafer’s advice is to start small and keep it brief, which we certainly did.

First on the agenda was “appreciation and encouragement.” I appreciated and encouraged Ben’s intention to take on more responsibility. I’m also happy that, according to the counsellor in his learning disability activity group, he’s developing a more positive attitude.

Ben wanted me to know that he’d noticed that I had been farting a little less than usual. And he was happy to encourage my encouragement of him.

Second was “problems and proposed solutions.” We decided to keep it down to one problem each. I let Ben go first. He felt, as a family including our dog, Blitzen, we could still improve on reducing the frequency of farting. His proposed solution: change our DNA. I felt he could make a greater effort at being serious when appropriate, like at family meetings. My proposed solution, to politely ignore his immature sense of humour.

Third on the agenda, a few moments of family silence (aka polite ignoring.)

Fourth on the agenda, allowance.

Fifth, and finally, family fun. Schafer suggested we end the meeting with a fun ritual. Fortunately we were right on time for one, watching The Amazing Race. We’re rooting for Margie and Luke, a mother and son with a hearing impairment. Inspired by their perseverance, last week we worked on expressing our frustration in nonsense sign language and hearing impaired “screaming.”

It’s been a good couple of weeks reading Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. By and large, it’s filled with good solid advice on negotiating boundaries, and fixing numerous problems from power struggles to reasonable discipline.

My one serious criticism of the book is the chapter on “assumed inadequacy,” which implicitly roots all feelings of inadequacy in poor parenting. Often they are. But if I didn’t know that my son had a co-ordination disorder with a neurological basis (something he shares with two–10 per cent of the population), I would be working really hard right now on strategies that would be frustrating the hell out of both of us. I’m better off following the advice of a good occupational therapist.

Sometimes the best “solution” really is to change our DNA. Or failing that, accept each other as we are.

HONEY, I WRECKED THE KIDS BY ALYSON
SCHAFER, WILEY, PB,
247 PP., $19.95