Two boners to pick

Dear Sasha, I’m a 43-year-old man with a 32-year-old girlfriend. I’m not circumcised. We have a healthy and active sexual relationship but here’s the problem: we like to go at it, and not lightly, and I get “damaged”—my foreskin becomes slightly cut all around from the friction. We’ve used lubricant but the problem persists. My problem arises from past damage I created from masturbating without lubricant.

I’m considering circumcision as we’d like to always be able to have sex but I need 24 hours to heal. I’ve had to take a break for weeks at a time in the past, and though we’re more careful, I’m considering taking a month off to make sure I heal properly. But I’m afraid a month might not be enough and as difficult as it is to be abstinent, I can’t see us being abstinent for two, three or even four months. I haven’t consulted with a doctor yet but will soon. I’ve used cream to heal like Canesten and zinc, which do help. Any other suggestions?

—Chafed in Laval

Dear Chafed,

It sounds like there’s a long history of self-diagnosis going on here, so before you do anything crazy like get some harried doctor to cut off your grown man prepuce, please consult a circumcision information Web site such as infocirc.org where you will find the names of foreskin-positive urologists who can either treat you or point you in the appropriate direction. I’m not a doctor myself but it sounds like maybe your foreskin never retracted properly and now gets shredded every time it’s yanked or tugged.

What I would suggest while you are researching and waiting to get treatment is to try using condoms, securing your foreskin down a little better and reducing the friction. You might also want to visit a dermatologist or naturopath to see if there’s other more suitable creams than the ones you’re using, seeing as how Canesten is marketed for fungal infections, not sex abrasions.

Dear Sasha, I’m a 34-year-old heterosexual male and have been experiencing issues of maintaining my erection when having sex. I never had a problem when I was younger, but recently I’ve been unable to get keep it hard long enough to finish the deed. It’s bugging me because, in all cases, I’ve been attracted to the girl and was able to “get it up” during foreplay but it takes real effort to keep it up for sex.

I think a potential cause might be that, when I masturbate (which I can do and come with no problem), I like watching porn and that maybe I’ve conditioned myself to only get turned on by the scenarios in porn. This stinks, since I don’t want to ask a nice girl I just met to dress and act like she’s in a porno. I’m wondering if I need to give up porn for good to resolve this.

You might say, “why not just find a girl who will play up my fantasies?” Well, if I could, great! But I’ve also missed out on some really cool and pretty girls because I just couldn’t perform. Back in the day, I could get turned on by women who didn’t have be like someone from my porn world. Maybe all that porn is catching up to me?

—Donny

Dear Donny,

Your sex life is not stagnant. Back in the day is over. Shit changes, get with your times. If watching porn’s been such a big part of your sex life, share. Date girls who also like to look at porn. You’re putting a lot of stress on this weird distinction between girls who enjoy porny sex and girls who you assume do not—girls you also seem to believe embody a more legitimate expression of sexuality. Now, you have to be reasonable of course. We all know that porn sex can be pretty unrealistic but if you find a partner who likes to watch it as much as you do, you can incorporate these visual stimuli and still enjoy a profound performance—I mean connection.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM