Sugar rush

by RAF KATIGBAK

I just went through some National Post archives from a couple of weeks back and found this little tidbit on their Web site:

“Quebec’s consumer protection agency has scored another victory against the marketing of sweet snacks to children, successfully prosecuting a Lucky Charms Web site that featured the cereal’s leprechaun mascot in animated games,” and that this conviction “follows guilty pleas and a $44,000 fine last month to Saputo Inc., makers of Igor snack cakes, which used an animated gorilla to attract pint-sized customers.”

Apparently there’s a Quebec law that prohibits advertising to children younger than 13 and Saputo was found guilty of distributing these cakes at daycares. After the conviction, Karine Vachon, a Saputo spokeswoman, further defended the product by saying they were “healthier than other Vachon cakes.” Sure they’re healthier. Have you seen the nutritional breakdown of a Jos. Louis? You could douse the cardboard box Jos. Louis’s come in with bacon fat and then sprinkle used kitty litter and ebola on it and it would probably be better for you.

And while I do agree that pumping a kid full of sugar and watching them jump up and down like a bonobo that has just slaughtered and eaten one of its own is rather entertaining, I would have to say that is a bit of stretch to call it a proper fitness regimen.

But should companies be fined for advertising to kids? I mean, sure, it’s pretty low to prey on impressionable kid minds, but let’s give them a little bit of credit. At this point, kids are so inundated by advertisements, it would surprise me if they actually were affected by something as lame as the Igor dance (check it on YouTube) or an online video game.

Here’s the thing: Kids don’t buy Lucky Charms because they played some stupid Flash game where a leprechaun collects cereal bowls and marshmallows like an Irish-midget Pac Man—they’re actually smarter than that. No, kids buy Lucky Charms because it tastes awesome and when you finish a bowl, it feels like you’re on crystal meth. The truth is, sugar cereal is like crack to kids. I should know: I was a former kid-cereal abuser.

I grew up in the ’80s, the heyday of kids’ cereal. In my day, the aisles were awash with bright colours and kooky characters all vying for my parents’ breakfast dollar. Initially, my father, who came from a country where their idea of a balanced breakfast was a two-litre bottle of Coke on the table next to the fried sausages, happily complied with our requests for whatever cereal we wanted. Froot Loops, Lucky Charms, Cap’n Crunch—anything we wanted, and sometimes multiple boxes of each. Subsequently, my friends whose parents were a bit more health conscious always came over for after-school cereal/cartoon sessions. Then eventually, when my father began shopping in Plattsburg (aka the Mecca of breakfast cereals), word got out at my elementary school that I had a line on coveted exotics like Count-Chocula and Ghostbusters cereal. Suddenly I was making new friends and hosting bacchanalian sugar orgies. My kitchen became the place to be in the afternoon.

But it wouldn’t last. Maybe my dad wised up, or maybe he got tired of kids coming over and trashing his basement, but he shocked us one day by coming home with Frosted Mini-Wheats. “See,” he said cheerily, “it’s sweet but it’s healthy too!” But like true junkies, we knew that Frosted Mini-Wheats was the methadone of sugar cereals, so we’d just bite off the frosted side and ditch the rest. Soon we went on a hunger strike and I vowed never to eat in the morning again unless my food was coated with sugar, injected with sugar and had marshmallows dipped in chocolate.

But one thing eventually saved me. Browsing the cereal aisle, I saw a set of little plastic vehicles that, when you pulled its zip cord, would race across the kitchen floor or fly into the air. It was awesome. Thing is, they were only available in boxes of Shredded Wheat. I had to have them, so I begged him to buy the healthy cereal. “Okay, but you have to eat it.” He paused. “All of it.” I agreed, and he bought the cereal. I got used to it and, eventually, kinda liked it.

I agree, kids are eating way too much crap these days. But it really is up to parents to make the call and watch what the kids eat. The thing that saved me, that got me into eating healthy cereals, was a little thing called “advertising to kids.” Oh, and my overpowering greed for awesome toys.

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA