THIS WEEK: Rosie, Berri, buses,
skate parks!

PLUS: The Montreal pool cue circuit!!

F This goes to the asswipe who doesn’t like people who listen to LOUD MUSIC in their earphones on the bus. I guess you must be old and dumb and ugly, so I am going to explain things to you real SLOW, okay? The bus is noisy, it makes annoying FART NOISES, plus taking a bus is boring. You may not have noticed it because your life is useless and lame and boring already, and you don’t know boring anymore when you see it, but trust me on this—it’s boring. So to cover up the horrible noises and to have a little fun, I listen to loud music on the bus. You should try it. You wouldn’t hear me anymore and maybe you’d stop bitching so much. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, you were singing along with Play It Faster last Friday at the Bar St-Laurent 2 and you rocked and I’m looking for a singer. So if you could, get in touch. I managed to speak to your boyfriend, but I don’t know what STATE he was in and I haven’t heard from him. So if you want, send me an e-mail. chainsawmanicure@gmail.com. Hope to hear from you soon. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I’d just like to call in to place a rant about the zombie VLT—that is Video Lottery Terminal—users here in Montreal. In most provinces, the video lottery machines are illegal, however, not in Quebec. As a bartender, I get to deal with these assholes day in and day out. First off, they never tip. Second off, when you ask them if they want a drink, they completely ignore you. And then, when you’re doing something else, like serving an actual customer who tips and takes care of you, then all of a sudden they stick their hand out and want all of their tickets redeemed at that exact moment. I have never met a gambler I like in all the times I’ve worked at bars and, to be honest, I think that the machines should be illegal throughout Canada. Go to a casino if you want to be a jerk and be a zombie in front of your fucking machine! You know what the worst part is about leaving this message? Is that none of them are ever going to fucking read this because they don’t take their eyes off their screen for two fucking seconds!! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, to the loud, disrespectful group of people that were dining at O Noir on Saturday night and ruining everybody’s experiences, please just shut up. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M You dumb cunts. My POOL CUE was a gift. Now, as far as St-Laurent Boulevard goes, I have played with my cue at Miami, at the Frappé, at Copacabana and at the Barfly. On Mont-Royal Avenue, I’ve played at the Scoop, at Boule Noire and at El Jumelgi. On the corner of Crémazie and St-Dominique, I’ve played at le Break. Downtown, I’ve played at Sharx. On the South Shore, I’ve played at le Skratch. Now am I supposed to not use my cue? It was a gift. Listen to me very carefully, you dumb cunts— everyone’s got their own hockey stick but that doesn’t mean they’re WAYNE GRETZKY, you dumb fucking idiots. As far as the recession goes, if you take somebody else’s property with the intent to sell it, you deserve to get beat the fuck down. End of story. I bring my fucking cue everywhere that I shoot because it was a gift and as far as the Bif goes, every single fucking cue there is goddamn dog shit. All right? So, it’s as simple as that. Take it easy, cheezy. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up with all the NEW MOVIES, where there’s always UGLY GUYS with glasses or all fat or all hairy and shit making out with super hot chicks that are way out of their league? What’s going on? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, it’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m fucking pissed. We spent $13-million on a fucking SKATE PARK? What is this? Has everybody gone retarded or something?! I can hardly pay my rent, there’s no proper housing for people on moderate income and we spent $13-million on a skate park? Way to go, Quebec. That’s excellent. [BLEEP!]

M I just think it’s so fantastic that the 35-year-olds on the cover of the Mirror this week have a place to skate again. You know, nobody understands how hard it is for a 35-year-old skateboarder. You try and skate in the park, they kick you out. You try and skate in the parking lot, they kick you out. Go to the Old Port, the man is always hassling you down there, bugging you about your receding hairline and the FADED TATS. So I think it’s amazing that our city’s middle-aged skateboarders now have a place to congregate and really work on their style, get it down cold. Truly, the last decade or so without Taz Mahal has probably taken a piece out of their ability. So, you know, good looks, good looks. You guys look like you’re ready to fucking thrash and, you know, skate or be stupid, what’s up? [BLEEP!]

M Berri’s dead. Don’t go to Berri unless you want broccoli or BIDIS. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m just wondering, where in Montreal do chicks go when they’re looking to pick up a guy for a one-night stand? Where do they go when they are AVAILABLE AND WILLING, you know? What club? Like, I go to these bars and there’s a bunch of chicks talking and, you know, they don’t really look interested. So I’m just wondering, where are the pick-up clubs, man? Also, I’m going to ask this, man, which metro station are they by? Where in Montreal is the club with chicks who are available and willing and want to hook up with someone and, like, which metro station is it near to? Okay, thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]

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