THIS WEEK: Strippers, saliva, salvia,
parsnips, Ben Mulroney!

PLUS: One-speed bike deemed absurd!!

M This is for those of you who cannot live without blasting your music on public buses. Just because you’ve got years and years of EAR WAX that has made you impervious to loud music doesn’t mean that none of us can hear it! Please be considerate. Everyone else around you can hear the annoying RACKETY BEATS that you call music coming out of your earphones and the problem is we can’t even hear it clearly. It’s like a never-ending buzz. If I sat next to you without having bathed for five months, it’d be pretty distracting, right? And please, just because you don’t think the volume isn’t that loud doesn’t mean that we can’t hear it from across the bus! [BLEEP!]

M The only thing I hate more than people stealing things at Bifteck, is when people bring their pool cue to Bifteck like it’s a fucking PRO CIRCUIT. Those douchebags really chap my ass. [BLEEP!]

F What the fuck is a cue? [BLEEP!]

F Who the fuck brings a $100 pro cue to Bifteck? Buddy, you’re asking to get that shit stolen by a crackhead and then sold up the street. I would. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy about the cue stick or whatever. Look, motherfucker, I took the fucking cue. There’s a fucking recession going on. I got to fuckin’ eat, bitch. If I ever fuckin’ catch you, motherfucker, you going to get it. Fuck you, bitch! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say, because I’ve seen them out there on the streets, slip-sliding around all winter long, that I think the ONE-SPEED BIKE is the SUV of the hipster community. An object that, by its choice, makes dead obvious the chooser’s overwhelming need to conform. Dumb bike for soft-headed people. Maybe, for their own safety, it’s the hipsters the cops should pull off the road for not having snow tires. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so here’s my story. Two weeks ago, I had my car broken into and these fuckers stole all my CLIMBING GEAR which I then replaced with my own money. And then last night these fucking people break into my car again and steal all my new shit—another fucking $300 worth of stuff! So I’m very pissed off right now and I feel like I’m going to SHOOT MYSELF. If these cocksuckers can read the paper, read the Rant Line™, please show some shred of HUMANITY and bring me my gear back anonymously. You can take it to Allez-Up. It’s on the corner of Shearer and St-Patrick in Pointe Ste-Charles. Please. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This is to the guys that are looking for the new drug revolution. I would say the INTERNET is the new tool for expanding your mind in the future. But if you’re still looking for something else, try SALVIA. You can find it at the head stores and it’s legal. So that’s a real revolution right there. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F What’s up, booty bitches? This is a piece of information that, I swear to God, maybe it won’t change your life but it sure will help you out in the long run. First and foremost, when you go to a strip club and you get a lap dance or contact dance, do not suck on the STRIPPER’S TITTIES. Do not attempt to suck on their titties! If the girl lets you suck on her titties, then she let the last motherfucker suck on her titties, so you’re basically making out with some random motherfucker in the club. Sharing saliva! [BLEEP!]

M During the week days, nothing fills me with more happiness than fucking up BREAD. And I don’t mean, like, fucking it with my dick. No, I mean fucking it up, smushing it, crushing it, destroying it so bad that it screams. You can actually make bread scream. Try it yourselves, kids, it’s a good time. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I got a problem with something. I’ve got a problem with fucking PARSNIPS. What the fuck is that shit? Leave it up to white people to eat that garbage. Like, oh what, carrots are too ethnic for you? God. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, could someone please KILL BEN MULRONEY RIGHT NOW and slip into my apartment so I could lick his tan off his body? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so I just saw Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th in Kirkland Coliseum, 10 p.m. What can I say? Nothing better than seeing Jason back on the big screen KILLING PEOPLE. The problem was seeing it at Kirkland with a bunch of teeny boppers at the cinema not CHEERING when Jason’s doing his dirty work and laughing with the bad jokes. I guess today’s kids are stupid. About the movie itself? Sure, it wasn’t the best one, it wasn’t the worst one. I wanted a three hour epic about the history of Crystal Lake, the MYTHOLOGY, interaction between Mrs. Voorhees and Jason Voorhees. Didn’t get it. But, hey, man, what can you say, man? That’s how Hollywood works nowadays, just all flash. But whatever. And shame on the Mirror’s Vidiot’s Box for fucking dissing the movie! The first one’s an instant classic, the second one’s a nice grimy picture, great kills. The first one’s got AWESOME KILLS, the third one’s got some great kills in it. Great movie to see on a big screen in 3D. I heard the 3D though on the Blu-ray ain’t that good, but it doesn’t matter, man. Other than that, I would say go see the fucking movie. It made number one. Derek Mears as Jason Voorhees—incredible. Still not Kane Hodder but a great fucking choice. What can I say? Print this. [BLEEP!]

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