THIS WEEK: Planet Smashers,
Without Will,
Saga, the Bifteck!

PLUS: McGill girls’ fashion sense questioned!!

F Hi. I just want to give a big shout-out to the Planet Smashers. You guys are Montreal’s most awesome band. You’re better than a HABS game. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, a couple of Rant Line™s back, a guy called complaining about CHOM playing too much Rush. I hear you, buddy. I e-mailed CHOM a while back and asked what’s up with this fixation on some group called SAGA? One of the DJs got back to me and reminded me of the 30 per cent Canadian content rule. But I still can’t comprehend playing the same two lame songs every day by a 25-year old group that had no real impact even back in the ’80s. [BLEEP!]

M So I was at BSL 2, I saw one of the greatest fucking live punk bands I have seen, probably the greatest thing I’ve ever seen! Without Will restored my belief in TRUE PUNK ROCK and what it represents—it represents not selling an image, it represents rolling around on the floor and having a good fucking time with your boys. They were fucking dead on. Then I went to see TRIGGER RESPONSE and I was vastly disappointed after you guys. So keep on playing shows here, we need performances like that. [BLEEP!]

F What up, Rant Line™? So I’m here with a friend wondering what the fuck has happened to this world? We live in Montreal and all you see are skinny ANOREXIC INDIES trying to be girls and boys who act like they’re in the MAFIA. Where the fuck are the METALHEADS? The fucking sick ass 12” guys with the fucking long hair! Metalheads stop hiding in your fucking cocoons and get out. I love you guys. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Tam. Who cares? Every city’s got one. [BLEEP!]

F Honestly, I have never heard a song by Coeur de Pirate but I can tell you for sure it’s a waste of Quebec’s grant money. For sure. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, look, I just want to remind everyone that COOLNESS actually doesn’t exist anymore. It’s just another marketing tool, along with Facebook, iPhones, Hollywood and fashion designers. The only way to get around it is to get off the fucking HAMSTER wheel, find what you love, stick to it and get on with your life. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’d like to rant about all the McGill girls wearing UGGS AND SWEATPANTS. Their hair’s always messy and in a bun and sometimes, if you’re lucky, there’s an oversized clip holding their bangs back. Do they really not have five minutes to put on pants or is their hangover that bad that they have to stumble straight out of bed into their oven mitt boots? I find it sad that these are the FUTURE PROFESSIONALS of our world and if you don’t have enough respect for yourself to change out of your sweatpants or look into the mirror, at least have the decency to get dressed in the morning so my eyes aren’t burning from your SLOBBERY. Why did Uggs even have to happen? They’re not practical. If you haven’t noticed, the salt stains on your Uggs appear instantly. And if you’re too lazy to put on pants or real shoes, I doubt you’re going to clean your so-called boots. Do society a favour, put your Uggs in the garbage and wear real pants! [BLEEP!]

F This is to women who ride the bus and reserve the seat next to them for their ugly giant Louis Vuitton knock-off tacky PLEATHER purses. Leave your goddamn purse, woman. It’s rude. Your purse does not have special privileges. It wasn’t knighted by the Queen of England. It wasn’t ordained by the Pope and, even if it was, they’re both frivolous and outdated elements of society and they should be removed from their seats of power just like your shitty useless oversized purse. [BLEEP!]

M We are fed up with the Montreal accessibility. We are plum sick and tired of it. I’ve lived in Montreal for 35 years and every time I go outside to do an activity, I’m faced with physical difficulties such as no ramps, lots of stairs, crooked curbs, lots of bumps in the road. I just want you to fix it. I’m a guy in a WHEELCHAIR and so are our friends. Please, for the love of Christ, get a move on. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, Rant Line™, I’m calling from the Bar Bifteck, Wednesday night, the 11th of February. I want to send a message to the motherfucker who almost got away with stealing my $100 pro CUE. You fucking piece of shit, you’re on camera! Okay?! You ever come back to the Bif, I’m going to shove that fucking cue—actually, no, I’m going to keep my cue for myself—I’m going to take another cue and I’m going to shove it so far up your fucking ass, it’s going to come out your mouth. You fucking crackhead piece of shit! Some motherfucker stole my fucking cue, walking up and down the street, trying to sell it, okay? Thank God I’ve got a lot of friends at the Bifteck and they told me, “Hey, there’s someone trying to sell a cue up the street.” And I fucking got it back. But I swear on every— I swear on Allah, Buddha, Jah, Jehovah, all those motherfuckers—you ever come back to the Bif, I will fucking take your fucking life. That’s not a threat, that’s a fucking promise. You fucking got it? Good. Bitch. [BLEEP!]

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