Love experiments

By JACK OATMON

I want you to do something for me, here.

I want you to go on over to the stereo system and put a Rick James record on the turntable. “Give it to Me Baby,” if you’ve got it. If not, it’s on YouTube. Next, I’ll admit I haven’t got a particularly seductive voice, but for the purposes of this column, just you imagine that I’m writing to you in a steamy, baritone growl. You hear that, baby? Yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Smooth and low.

Alright, now that we’re comfortable and enjoying some funky, funky music, there’s something we need to discuss. You see, these days a lot of folk have been telling me they’re down on Cupid’s day. They’re not feeling the love. They’re fed up with the feeling that they’re forced to love on this day. But I want you to know that your special someone, that sweet lovin’ person you’re thinkin’ about right now, they wanna feel special this Saturday night. They wanna be pampered. I know you’re saying things like “Hallmark holiday” and claiming your free love can’t be chained by an arbitrary date. But I want you to forget all that nonsense and plan out a real wild and wonderful time for somebody this week. The full nine yards. New underwear. Oh, yes. Dark chocolate. Oh, yes. Strawberries. Hell, I even want you to break out the scented candles and bubbly. Get cheesy. That’s right. And cheeses—lots of weird-smelling cheeses. I want you to cook. I want you to make your bed. You dig?

ROMANTIC ANTICS: Lhasa de Sela

Alright, now that we got that straight, maybe you’re looking for something to do. You might want to keep it inside the house, and I won’t blame you if things get so hot that you keep it domestic. But if there’s one thing that makes a couple of lovebirds sing, it’s getting dressed up in some sharp duds and parading out where they can be seen, and where they can see some other fine-looking young specimens. Yeah. Now I’ll give you a little hint here. Feeling special is all about doing special things. So think about places you don’t normally go. Oh, yeah. For a real good time that will make your special person feel like goin’ wild places with you, I suggest you mosey on over to O Patro Vys on Mont-Royal, and I’ll tell you why. The thoughtful and romantic folks at Moondata Productions have popped back on the radar once more after a long hiatus, just to bring you an evening of hypnotic, orchestral sounds to lull your date into a swoon. In fact, the folks over there tell me they’ve got a special swooning effect in development for this improvisational LabProject that will really put you in the mood. The line-up features residents Matt Lederman and Vid Cousins on the guitars, knobs and twiddles, as well as Andrew King on trumpet, Mishka Stein on bass, Sarah Pagé on harp—that’s right, a harp—Liam O’Neill and Andrew Barr on drums, and Lhasa de Sela singing while Ouananiche takes care of the lighting and eye candy.

So remember, get on down there and do that laundry. Pick out that special pair of undies and take that person out on a real rollercoaster ride. Oh, yeah.

FUNKY BASSLINES WORK WONDERS… jack.oatmon@gmail.com