THIS WEEK: Blixa Bargeld,
Coeur de Pirate, PTAIBMOMG!

PLUS: Too many Paddingtons!!

F [Sounding an awful lot like Tam] Blixa Bargeld, ex-Bad Seeds’ guitarist, was once booed by a Montreal audience, to which he said, “Are you booing because you’re Canadian?” For those of you who seem to get a SADISTIC PLEASURE out of making TAM FEEL BAD with your rants, you can get the full picture when John Shaw’s documentary on Tam comes out this year. [BLEEP!]

M If it were up to me, I would make it a law to make everyone listen to either Lagwagon, Bad Astronaut or Joey Cape. The man is all about evolution. That’s what the human race should be about. Lagwagon, Joey Cape, Bad Astronaut. Listen to it. [BLEEP!]

M All right, this is a shout-out to all the parasites who think that just because they’re getting FREE DRINKS at the bar because they’re FRIENDS with the owner or the manager that it’s somehow okay not to TIP. The bartender’s running around trying to serve the paying customers. Next time, go lift up your goddamn sofa cushions or something before going out and then maybe you can spare 50 cents when I give you your free rum and coke. Maybe then we’ll upgrade your status from a walking piece of shit to a simple everyday freeloader. [BLEEP!]

M Please, Mirror, check your music listings before publishing because the show of THE PADDINGTONS at the Irish Embassy Pub Grill was actually of the group Paddington, without the “The,” which makes a big difference. And to the local group who call themselves Paddingtons—guys, maybe you should check before naming your group to see if there is a more famous group called Paddingtons already. Otherwise you can just go ahead and call yourselves the Beatles or just Beatles without the “The.” [BLEEP!]

M Hi. It’s Martin. I’m just calling about Coeur de Pirate. I’m kind of tired of hearing about her. It’s really annoying to listen all the time to what she has to sing about, Yes, that’s about it. Anybody think like me? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Roni, the guy with the big candy apple red SAFETY GLASSES. I guess I have some explaining to do, which is sad because I shouldn’t have to explain that I’ve been wearing big glasses since I was 10, when I knew I was MYOPIC. And I shouldn’t have to explain that I own a soldering iron and use it frequently or that I don’t like getting any airborne substance in my eyes. Implying that I’m trying to be hip and calling people fags, what is this—Grade 6? It just exposes your ignorance and, ironically, gives me a pretty reliable impression of what kind of person you are. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’d just like to tell everybody that I’m walking down the street here in Verdun and I saw this PTA with an IBM OMG. Well, if you want to know what that means, Perfect Tiny Ass, Inches Below Muff, Oh My God. Don’t ask me why she was wearing a skirt when it was -9. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the guy who last time called the Rant Line™ for the first time. Last time, I was sort of nervous, this time I’m less nervous. Yeah, last time I called and I got published and everything and I was really happy about that. So I got home, showed my dad my ARTICLE and so he read the article and, he’s like, “Yes, son, I’m proud of you and everything, you got published.” But he said, “Hey, didn’t you lose your gloves last month?” Yeah, so I guess that makes me a hypocrite for giving tips to someone else who lost their gloves but… whatever, you know? Long pause. Long pause. End of conversation. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to the two guys, man, about the fiery habaneros Dorito chips, man. Fuck that shit, man. Salt and vinegar Kettle chips all the way, man. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m calling up about the guy who wants a DRUG REVOLUTION. I’m totally with you, dude. We all think that the first drug revolution was 1969 LSD and then 1989 Ecstasy. Twenty years later—it’s a 20-year cycle—we are waiting. If anybody knows what’s the new drug, please call us. Please tell us. [BLEEP!]

F To the person who said that the human race needs another drug revolution—I’m definitely not with you. The world needs NO DRUGS at all. We have too many. People who take drugs look stupid and act stupid and get their lives all screwed up. So I think the new drug in this world should be no drugs. That’s right, no drugs. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, Rant Line™. I’m DEBUZZING on E a little bit so I just wanted to talk about, you know, when you want to take care of your business and, like, CLIMAX towards the end of your E buzz because it’s just going to be marvelous and it takes a while and you rub yourself and you realize how much you love yourself, really, you know that kind of feeling? And I’m just a little upset because I couldn’t climax, I couldn’t get to cum. All I got was this unsatisfying pre-cum and I’m, like, damn, I’ve been going at it for like 40 minutes. Damn. What’s going on, man? It ain’t used to be like this. I’m a little frustrated, I just have to say. [BLEEP!]

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