VD gift guide

I try to avoid VD in all its non-acronymic incarnations but there are a couple of things I wouldn’t mind recommending to all of you dithering about aimlessly looking for gifts for expectant lovers. Don’t fret if you don’t have a boyfriend or whatever—these items will suit you single kids too.

Champion, directed by Shine Louise Houston, tells the story of a mixed martial arts fighter named Jessie—played by stinking hot real life MMA fighter Syd Blakovich—and her trials in and out of the ring. (Watch the trailer here: pinkwhite.biz/PWWP/pre-order-champion/.) I know I said just last week that buying porn for Valentine’s Day is a courting disaster. Yeah, I’m gonna need to take that back in light of this new information.

Firstly, the lighting, sets, music (Taiko drumming, a brilliant choice to build fight and sex scenes) and direction are all top-notch, art house quality. Houston has succeeded in capturing on film the sex you think you’re having when you’re fucking but which, if you’ve ever videotaped yourself and were mortified by the static lumbering combined with fits of frantic jackhammering, seems to have eluded your own lens. (For all you film geeks out there, she shoots on a Panasonic DVX100b at 24p with a 35mm lens adaptor. I don’t know what that means but the results are gorgeous.) She lingers, with superb editing, on sex scenes that do not dilly-dally themselves. Feverishly hardcore and deeply intimate all at once, the real kissing and passionate oral sex are so arousing and so delightfully greedy compared to the usual faux lez slack-jawed tongue rolling, bogus moaning and baby-voiced reprimands.

Every moment of Champion bursts with lust: well-tended butch hands yanking on long, pretty hair, pale flesh all red-hot from slaps, swift, hard penetration and, good lord, finally some decently turned out femmes—no tattered feather boas or god-awful clompy heels. And hey, does your boyfriend suck at digital and oral sex? Are you all like, “Bitch, where’d you learn to handle a pussy, at Butterfly School?” The lad needs to see this movie, trust me. The final scene lacks the same charged charisma as the others but virtually no fast-forwarding, not once. Thank you thank you thank you Shine Louise for making what is hands down the best pornographic film I have ever seen.

Thank you for improving queer female and trans porn by more leaps and bounds than words can adequately express. And thank you most of all for making a movie that I got so out of sorts watching at the Toronto premiere that I had to take not one, not two, but three people home to deal with the situation (one of you left your copy at my house, by the way). I don’t care who you are and what you like to fuck, it doesn’t seem possible that you won’t find this film utterly captivating. Champion can be ordered at pinkwhite.biz.

I’ve never been a big fan of flavoured lubes and, additionally, I’d never found a natural lube I really liked. Despite people’s best efforts, they are often unpleasantly sticky and at times even more improbably flavoured than their synthetic counterparts—seriously, just tell me the Cinnamon Vanilla by Good Clean Love doesn’t smell like Kozy Shack rice pudding. But a Canadian line called Capotain’s has changed that. Capotain’s contains real fruit essence with no peculiar combinations—just a nice zesty orange or a sweet, fresh strawberry—actually lending to the occasion rather than overwhelming it. No sugar, no preservatives, 95 per cent organic and up, no glycerin, condom and toy compatible, slick as silicone and also available fragrance free. Available online at aqualaria.com.

I’m also super impressed with the company’s Soins d’Aphrodite line of sensual massage oils, balms and scrubs, which you can get on the Aqualaria site. Again, well-chosen fragrances (this time in delicious combinations) and they definitely live up to their namesake—I’m not even kidding, someone pulled an Impulse body spray ad on me a few weeks ago when I was swooshing about after a session with the hammam body scrub.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM