THIS WEEK: Lil Wayne, yodelling,
glasses, chips!

PLUS: Man questions the reason
for the existence of Hedley!

M Hi Rant Line™. I spend a lot of time in the car, going to and from work and, obviously, I listen to the radio. There’s always pop music playing and I’m not one to really criticize the pop mainstream, but there’s one band I cannot stand for the life of me. HEDLEY. What the hell is that?! They look punk and all cool and shit but they sound like TOTAL ASS. Really. I cannot believe how they’re famous and having shows. I just wanted to say that. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Jesus titty fucking Christ, is there a goddamn way I can listen to CHOM FM without fucking Rush playing every fucking five minutes? Fuck Rush! At least if you’re going to play Rush, play the early stuff. [BLEEP!]

M I was just wondering if anybody would tell me where in Montreal they have YODELLING music. [yodels, badly] Something like that. I’m just in love with it. And I hope in next week’s Mirror, someone will answer. So if there’s any bars or a place or wherever that they yodel, I would love to hear it. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for Tam from the Nick Cave show. I haven’t heard your music but I know you suck. Because there’s nothing worse than an indignant self-absorbed egotistical crybaby who whines about how some people just don’t get it and are out to get you. So before you climb onto another stage, my honest suggestion is to build a BRIDGE, cross that bridge and get over yourself. Oh, and this is Eric, by the way. Does that make any difference? [BLEEP!]

M A rant against Lil Wayne and all the bullshit that surrounds him being considered a hip hop or rap star. The guy’s not hip hop or rap, it’s just R&B, and not even that. He’s not even a performer. He LIP SYNCS his fucking words in a completely modified voice and can’t perform live so, overall, that does not make a performer. I don’t know why people idolize him. The guy should be SHOT. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M You don’t understand why a fucking rapper who has a CRIMINAL RECORD gets to make more money than a doctor who works his ass off? Well, I don’t understand why a bus driver in Ottawa makes more money than a doctor as well. Life is unfair. Get over it. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message for the loser that left the RAP IS SHIT rant. Dude, the most unimaginative thing you can do is complain about hip hop these days. There’s tons of good shit out there. You just got to go find it. Comparing popular rap to the good hip hop is like comparing BRITNEY SPEARS to whatever shit independent music you listen to. So, you know, look around a bit more before you formulate a shit-ass opinion. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, SubV, your rant about the douchebag leaving papers on your doorstep is a joke. Come to the store and discuss it like a human being? All the little cowards that buy your PAINT to vandalize people’s property and business don’t roll like that, jackass. Just because abuse and vandalism have been around forever doesn’t make them right. A store that sells spray paint whining about papers on your doorstep? Take it like a man, pussy, or get out in the neighbourhood and do some good for it instead of posing. P.S. Your customers leave their cans behind when they vandalize. I like graffiti—just don’t play stupid, stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, Amerindians. Three bad moustaches against one girl isn’t a fair fight. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M ? Yeah, hi. Man, I cannot believe it. Do I totally know what this dude was talking about with this freakin’ Fiery Habanero Doritos chips! Where are they? Dude, if this ever gets printed, I am so with you, man. I thought the exact same thing. They are the best Doritos ever! You know, not too thick, ah, man, the whole spice thing is like wicked perfect. I am so with you. I hope we get some results from your phone call. I just had a few beers and I would love to have a bag of those puppies right now because really, truly, they rule. They are wicked great, man. I swear to God. I haven’t called the Rant Line™ in maybe 20 years and your Dorito chips, your habanero chips rant, made me want to answer back. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy about the Fiery Habanero Doritos. You are whack as hell, man. Cool Ranch is where it’s at. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M You know what? I just wish every single food in the world came in nacho chip form. That would just be UTOPIAN. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who’s dissing the trend-whores who wear NERDY GLASSES. Get a fashion sense as well as a life because, obviously, you don’t have a lot going on. This is Montreal and we’re known to be trendy! I bet you look like shit every time you step out the door, frickin’ bozo times infinity. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy doing the projection about the guys wearing square glasses. Have you been to an optometrist lately? That’s all they fucking have is those stupid nerdy glasses! Find some other glasses that aren’t so nerdy and let other people know about it and maybe people will get it. Other than that, that’s all they fucking got! [BLEEP!]

F Okay, so as I’m eating my breakfast after having taken my MEDICATION for the chlamydia I received from some son of a bitch a couple weeks back, I see that a gentleman has left a rant warning some dear young lady that she might have chlamydia. So I’m going to do the same. Gent from the GROUP—you know who you are—you got it. Get tested. You son of a bitch. Peace. [BLEEP!]

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