Juicing for your colon

No supernatural powers here, insists
illusionist, only hard work and flair

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Lisa Freedman

Age: 40

Occupation: Colon hygienist

Bio: This nurturing, laid back Côte St-Luc broad says she first really started considering nutrition, and how it just might play a significant role in one’s health, after becoming pregnant with her first child. Always on the prowl to develop both her intellect and basic understanding of health matters, Lisa decided to go to school to study the subject formally and with time found herself particularly interested in matters of the asshole, or, to be slightly more specific, the colon and digestive tract. Learning the delicate art of colonic irrigation from legendary former People personality Lucie Courchesne, Lisa now offers a seven-day detox juice fast that, combined with her fun, sexy, and obviously delightful daily ass probings, “will make you feel great. It gives you a healthy sensation you just can’t get any other way.” When not clearing out colons and all the toxic poop stored up in her clients’ bodies, she’s raising kids and studying Chinese medicine. “I’m always studying, always.” Contact her via www.cliniquehydrosante.com.

Why can’t people just go pick up one of those home detox kits, sparing themselves a solid week of ass irrigations while emerging just as cleansed? “Because people who are doing those kits, those shakes, they’re not getting the sensation. With the seven-day detox I’m offering, the body is getting all the nutrients it needs. So while your body is cleansing, you still have energy, you can go on about your normal life while doing the detox. It’s true any type of cleansing is beneficial, but I suggest people tread very carefully when they consider those commercial detox kits. Very carefully.”

How come? “Because most of them contain natural laxatives that cause spasms in the intestine. This creates a poor function in the intestine, so if you’re already getting symptoms—gas, bloating, constipation, diarrhea and abdominal discomfort—well, using these kits will often make you feel worse. So I really emphasize a more natural approach.”

So it’s her seven-day juice fast or nothing then? “No, any cleansing is beneficial. For example, you can just eat a more limited diet for a while, or juice for a few days, or eat mung beans and brown rice for a couple of days. All these things give the digestive system a break and the ability to detoxify in a way that’s consistent with our normal diets.”

What’s involved in undergoing Lisa’s juice fast: “Honestly, not that much. You have to own a juicer, buy a minimum of 50 pounds of carrots and be juicing about eight fresh juices a day while taking a few other products and coming in for six consecutive days of colonic irrigation.”

Doesn’t the body just regulate toxins anyway? Ain’t that why Jah gave us livers and kidneys in the first place? “Sure, except we live in a much more toxic world now. The foods we eat are full of pesticides and chemicals, the air we breathe is full of toxins. And we live in a stressful world, people are producing way more stress hormones than the body is capable of handling. People need to detoxify.”

Last book read: Chinese Traditional Herbal Medicine, by Dr. Michael Tierra.

Musical preferences: Van Morrison, Maroon 5, Melissa Etheridge.

Words of wisdom: “It’s not what you eat, it’s what eats you.”

Comments: dimwit@hdot.net