The new face of
Canadian politics

By JACK OATMON

A guy could grow an amazing moustache in 54 days. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Jack Layton already rocks a pretty goddamn remarkable ’stache. But he could have gone for a vicious handlebar. Man, 54 days would have been enough time for that guy to go full mutton-chop combo. And what about those other dudes? Now that Dion’s gone, the Libs have finally got a fella who’s mature enough to grow facial hair. Iggy’s got a pretty solid chin too. Castro beard, maybe? Naw, he’s too much of a Yank. And Harper hasn’t even rocked a spit-stache yet. You’ve got the huggable sweater, man—go the full nine yards!

What I’m saying is that these dicks wasted our money and time for 54 chillaxin’ days and they didn’t even get it together enough to quit pickin’ their asses and cultivate some stubble. Now, as you read this, you’ve only got 36 hours or so to get your scruff fertilized for the second annual Moustache Extravaganza at la Sala Rossa this Friday night, and I’m still sure you can trump those lazy, unworthy wasters-of-precious-time in parliament. And who better to commiserate with in moustache-dom than the rabble-rousin’, garbage pail-poundin’, blues-breakin’, rye-shot-takin’ Unsettlers? Add the funky, folky polkas and sweet country sounds of OKgiraffe and you’ve got a deal. Door prices drop four bucks for the lip fuzz, so make sure to rock one. And you ladies, just tape a bit of felt on there and you’ll be fine.

SAUSAGE PARTY OR ’STACHE BASH? OKgiraffe

Further hairy action can be had this weekend at Coda Club on Saturday night. You might want to bring along a beard, but the kind that walks and talks if you know what I mean, because the indulgent subversion and titillating variety of Cirque de Boudoir will be accompanied by such notable deviants as Frigid, Mary Hell, Plastik Patrik and many, many others. Featuring burlesque performances, body painting, a costume contest and more, the evening looks set to be the prime perversion of the month. So whip out those stockings and shine up the PVC, cuz it’ll likely get slippery in there.

In other late-night highlights, James Holden will do a post-Igloofest set at Circus late Friday night accompanied by locals Bender and Arsen, making for a full night of excellent deep house and new school techno selection.

Finally, for a sampling of the very latest in arcane, alienating, ethereal acid, intergalactic techno and sole-scuffing disco from the taste barons at Montreal’s own Turbo Recordings, check out Thomas Von Party with pals Jared Spacedick, Mike Mind and David the Disco Crystal on Friday night at Zoobizarre. If the front doors are locked, just remember that there are two sides to every riddle… the front one and the alleyway. In related news, the long-running and frequently fantastic Plateau Saturdays have recently ended at Blizzarts. But fear not, fashionable voguers and mercilessly picky electro fans! Jordan Dare and Mike Mind have taken up the controls of that coveted slot, promising many moons of moody synth lines, colourful sneakers and angular haircuts to come.

Okay, so the next time you see your local elected representative, you just tell them I sent ya, and you ask them, where the heck’s the moustache at, you good-for-nothin’, Sensor Excel fetishist twit!? I want something for my tax dollars, and I want it in facial hair form!

WATCH ME SPOIL MY NEXT BALLOT, YA GOONS! jack.oatmon@gmail.com