Learning by burnt hand

By JACK OATMON

I have half of the brand name Paderno literally branded into my seared, claw-like left hand as I painfully type this column out. This is my second such self-inflicted, absent-minded, cookware-related injury with the same oven-friendly pan. Aside from confirming your longstanding suspicion that I am in fact a complete idiot, this repeat bumble has also reversed my condescension for a particular 22-year-old Southern Ontario lad named John Rempel. Last week, this poor fool told the CBC he was hornswoggled for $150,000 in one of those inheritance spam scams, which led him to repeated large deposits to overseas accounts. Now, I’m hardly one to scoff as I nurse my scorched paw—again—and wonder if all those snake-oil e-mails promising an updated PayPal account, “today only promotion: $1.12 for Viagra” or “a power drill in [my] pants” actually succeed, and are simply aimed at buffoons who treat the Internet like I do kitchenware. But, as it turns out, this week, some people grasp those uncanny offers not like a 300-degree pan full of mozzarella sticks, but more like a palette for their digital canvas. To wit, Belgian collective MéTAmorphoZ will visit the SAT this Friday, Jan. 23, in an attempt to expose the creative side of spam emails with a multimedia art show accompanied by fellow artists Pop Core Duo, DJ Poison Arrow, Gridspace, Jan Pienkowski, Karin Côté and Philippe Franck. Enjoy the show, but don’t click on any hyperlinks.

Much other folly exists this week for you to bang your proverbial head against. Indeed, there are numerous fine chances to relearn the forgotten lessons of last weekend’s indulgences. For instance, eight years of reformed art-dispensing cigarette machines will be celebrated at the Distroboto anniversary jam this Friday night at Sala Rossa. The show will feature entertainment as eclectic as the contents of the vending machines, including performances by Hrsta, Donzelle, Krista L.L. Muir & the Wendy House and Sunny Duval. That same night, Faggity Ass Fridays will feature the Coulees and Nightwood as well as DJs Docroot and Torus. Keep in mind the event’s high school fashion theme, in keeping with the spirit of reliving past mistakes. Don’t forget about the unbelievably stacked Igloofest line-up of Modeselektor, Pfadfinderei, Housemeister, Skratch Bastid and Funkyfalz that night. That should be one of the craziest parties of the winter.

To round out the weekend, Mile High Club returns to Zoobizarre on Saturday night, this month exploring the sounds of Berlin with DJs Heidy, Dave Shaw and Matteo Grondini. Meanwhile, Quebec City’s Mashup Potatos help John Lee, Kevin Smalls and le Debauche get Coda cookin’ like it was the majority of my palm.

And, just in case you were wondering, if you happen to grab onto any searing hot panhandles while you’re out on the town, just remember not to put any butter or oils on the burn—a common folk remedy that actually traps the heat in. Make sure to soak the affected area in cool water for an hour, avoid rough fibres when drying and don’t soak for too long because the water wrinkling can also damage the skin and slow healing. If the skin is seriously broken or blistered or the burn is on your face, immediately consult a physician. Oh, and ibuprofen and acetaminophen can help ease pain and reduce swelling. Have fun and watch out for online con artists, kids!

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