Putting the effs back
into recession

by RAF KATIGBAK

…aaaaaaaaand we’re back! Well, dear readers, after what seemed like a terribly long break, I have returned, pen in hand, or rather, pointer fingers on peanut-butter-encrusted keyboard, to deliver my predictions for the year 2009. Unfortunately I must tell you, it looks grim. While the debate has yet to be settled whether we are in a recession or even headed for a depression (or the dreaded redeprecession) I have to agree with financial experts when they say our economy looks as effed up as that guy who falls into the toxic waste and then gets hit by a car in Robocop.

Luckily we’re Montrealers, and in the same way we don’t panic and call in the army when snow falls on the ground (remember that, Toronto?), we will be ready for this recession when it comes. As a public service, I’d like to share the four Fs you can work on to put the “recess” in recession (or the “shun” in “recession,” whichever you think is better).

Food: It’s no secret that going out for meals can eat up that food budget faster than you can purge your foie gras poutine and Norwegian glacier water. Yet it only takes a few extra minutes a day to prepare a delicious and healthy meal at home. Before bed, assemble something quick, simple and healthy—like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some yogurt, and carrot sticks—and brown bag it for work. Then, the next day, go to your favourite restaurant at lunch, head to the cashier, place your hand in the bag and pretend your sandwich is a gun. Voila! Free lunch!

(Hint: Try and switch up restaurants every few days, variety is the spice of life!)

Fashion: Just because you can’t afford the latest high fashion doesn’t mean you have to walk around looking like a reject from Cirque du Soleil. Try making your own clothes. For instance, I’ve discovered that tearing a hole in an old soiled comforter turns it into a warm and unique winter poncho. And did you know that cutting holes in the stocking that you stole from your friend’s roommate’s “delicates” drawer turns an everyday object from your Sniff Box into a great stylish and strangely arousing winter ski mask?

(Hint: When in doubt, go inside-out. How much do you spend on laundry? If you’re like me, you’re probably spending exactly zero dollars a month. You know why? First off, jeans should never be washed, and everything else gets flipped inside out when it gets smelly or develops any green fuzzy residue. Flipping isn’t just for underwear and socks anymore, you can do it with shirts, jackets, dresses, suits and even shoes if you’re handy with a leather stitching machine.)

Fitness: Gym memberships are so 2008, so forget paying through the nose for hot-room African yoga-lates dance classes. Exercise can be done easily and cheaply at home. Need a weight set? Old two-litre bottles filled with water make great dumbbells. How about a chin-up bar? An old broomstick will do the trick. Hey, what about an elliptical machine! Just grab an old microwave, some ski boots, a bit of yarn, some elbow grease and an ECB system that generates variable magnetic resistance over time and hey, you’re in business!

Fun: Just because you’re as broke as a joke doesn’t mean you have to be a Debbie-downer. Sure you’ll probably have to curb your betting on underground kangaroo fights and Tuesday night nude caviar wrestling, but there’s a lot of things you can do that are low cost and just as enriching. Knitting a loved one a sweater is a rewarding way to spend your free time. Yarn is relatively inexpensive and if you can’t afford yarn, just re-knit your old favourite sweater. If you don’t have a sweater, steal one, then sell it online and then use the money to buy some yarn. It’s just that easy!

(Extra Tip: Selling your crafts is also a fun way to make money. In fact, 95 per cent of Mile-End 20-somethings rely on gluing felt to old crap and reselling it to the public. What’s important is that you find your own niche, since the eco-friendly sequined leopard-patterned rockabilly menstruation pad market seems to have been saturated.)

Of course, these are only a few ways to save money in 2009. Feel free to send in your own! Seriously. I need some ideas. I’ve been eating salted cardboard for a week.

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA