THIS WEEK: Silverfish, stalactites, subhumans, Tam!

PLUS: Petition to stop the cyclotron!!

F Hi, this is Tam. I’m pissed off that journalists John Cummins and Bernard Perusse are purposely trying to SABOTAGE my career by writing only negative things about my gig with Nick Cave. Okay, I screwed up the last song, but the rest of my set was GREAT. I could see people enjoying it in the crowd. The only explanation I can think of is that they’re jealous of the fact that I got such a big gig without the help of any trendy local booking agent. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, hey, I got a scoop for you guys. Rap is shit, okay? It’s a FIVE SECOND BEAT put on repeat. Take the song “Addicted” by Sweetbox is actually the same rip-off as “In Da Club” by 50 Cent. The same beat, only with different tones. So, yeah, basically, rap is non-imaginative bullshit. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I’m calling about a BUSKER. Namely, the guy who busks at the Snowdon metro stops, and I have seen him in other stops too. He’s about 65 years old and he plays a CELLO and anytime anybody walks by and doesn’t give him any money, he stops playing and starts complaining to them really loudly in ITALIAN. Am I the only guy who gets curious about this guy? Is there anyone who speaks Italian who can tell me what he’s saying? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I was just wondering if anybody else has noticed the nasty INFESTATION happening at Guy-Concordia metro station? I’ve been noticing it for about a month now. If you sit very still on the stairs and look down, you can see a wide array of cockroaches and SILVERFISH forming at your feet. I guess it kind of takes away from the large, rust STALACTITES that are forming in the ceiling, but it’s still kind of icky. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m watching Anderson Cooper and he’s in Israel and I’m just wondering if there’s a law against a man looking so fucking fine in a WAR ZONE? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is Elvira Black, a name I made up for myself after several months of conducting boring so-called studies about the phone book for a marketing company, an activity which slowly drove me insane. To the guy who said surveys are NOT telemarketing—you’d have to be truly insane not to realize that the questions you are reading and the way they are worded and the primitive format for answering the questions are designed to put ideas in people’s heads. Getting them to talk to you is an act of breaking down their will to resist whatever corporate and/or government body is trying to obtain supposed consent to impose surveillance and control on the citizens of our formally democratic society. Thank you, sir, for participating in stupid naivete and don’t HOTBOX your moveable dwelling. [BLEEP!]

M Whoever said that baby oil is not made out of babies? [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to say thanks very much to the SUBHUMAN who stole my winter gloves from on top of my running shoes at the medical clinic at the corner of Northcliffe and de Maisonneuve. I am a musician. I am living on a very low income with a very high DEBT and those gloves were a Christmas gift that I really needed. So thanks again for making me sacrifice a couple of days of groceries so that you could save a couple of bucks and steal from someone during -20 January Montreal weather. [BLEEP!]

M You know there is this bunch of scientists trying to create a new universe with the CYCLOTRON, right? Well, I’ve been noticing the time’s been going faster and here’s my theory. I hope it’s not too much for anybody. Okay, when you’re creating a NEW UNIVERSE inside a cyclotron, that’s taking up a lot of energy from our universe. The simple effort of doing that causes a decay effect in our universe. Like, all the energy used up to try and create the damn thing, you know? It takes the energy of our universe so the time starts going faster. There’s only a certain amount of energy in the universe and if you’re trying to initiate the BIG BANG, you’re using up a lot of energy and the effect of that is that it comes down to less energy for our universe. Basically, our universe is going to decay and this new universe will take over our universe. So you know, I’m just saying, if anybody’s got a shout to these people, tell them! Or we should start a petition that says, stop trying to create a new universe, you’re starting to make time go faster! Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

M This is Rich Hard calling out to the woman who called in about the penises not working like they used to. My opinion, it’s Internet porn. Boys are stuck trying to HUMP like they see in porn instead of really learning how to please themselves or a woman. [BLEEP!]

F We are three young attractive women in Montreal. Is it that hard to find a decent looking SUGAR DADDY who isn’t fat, short, unfortunately endowed or addicted to Warcraft? We want to skip the bullshit and skip right to the good stuff. We want a hardworking nigga—get that paperboy! No, but sorry, no black guys. We’re not racist but the cocks are just way too big. They say Montreal has some fine women so there must be some fine men. E-mail us: lovelyladies18@gmail.com. [BLEEP!]

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