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Dear Sasha, Your advice to my girlfriend and me (“Libido in limbo,” Feb. 14, 2008) was dead-on and we’re back for more. After taking charge of her sexuality, she switched to a birth control pill that has revived her sex drive. There’s a definite increase, which has led to another discovery: she has unresolved sexual trauma from past abuse. She often experiences pain and tightness in her vagina both with fingering and sex (though not when she masturbates) and we’ve since ruled out medical causes.
It’s something we’re trying to work on together but are looking for good starting points. She’s considering therapy in the future but isn’t there yet. In the meantime, can you recommend any books for us as a couple? We’d like to work on this together but realize at times privacy might be essential. Are there any exercises she can do alone, or that we can do together, that might help reduce her tension and anxiety with vaginal intercourse? We’ve put off intercourse for the time being while we get this sorted out, but are still intimate so frustration isn’t much of a concern.
-A Little Sexual Frustration Part Two
Dear Little,
Staci Haines is a sexual abuse survivor and author known for her sex positive approach to healing—meaning, for example, she encourages exploration of even tricky expressions like power play. Her book Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma (cleispress.com/book_page.php?book_id=218—it was first released as Thwrvivor’s Guide to Sex) is a notable resource for women who have suffered sexual trauma and want to move past it to enjoy more empowered, present intimacy. Read an amazing interview with Haines by Violet Blue here: sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2007/12/06/violetblue.DTL.
In addition, I would recommend Haines’ film Healing Sex: The Complete Guide to Sexual Wholeness, which you can get here: healingsexthemovie.com/buy.html.
You’ve ruled out medical issues but if you haven’t already, you may want to read up about vaginismus here vaginismus.com, or here vaginismus-awareness-network.org. As a warning, women in vaginismus networks tend on occasion to be a bit cynical; despite the appalling stereotypes heaped on sufferers (that it’s all in their heads and they are deliberately frigid and unwilling) there is a propensity for they themselves to put men into one of two categories: the asshole who forces sex on you and betrays you with porn and hookers because he believes you’re maliciously keeping sex from him, or the saint who stands by you through every ordeal. Vaginismus is absolutely shit to go through so try to forgive them the raw venting, just be aware that experience has left some sufferers unable to take a dispassionate view on certain alternative sexual expressions.
Dear Sasha, Do you know of any place in Montreal and/or Toronto that rents rooms already equipped with more serious sex toys like swings, chairs and other tie-me-up gizmos?
I think about using or buying this stuff but I won’t use it often, have little room in my apartment and even if I do install strong enough bolts into the ceiling, I’m sure both my friends that visit and my landlord would not appreciate it.
—Hardware for Rent
Dear Hardware,
I posted on the Toronto Escort Review Board (terb.ca) for you, and within a day, found out that Patricia Marsh’s dungeon (patriciamarsh.com) is available for rent. I called and spoke to one of the dungeon’s employees who said that the larger equipment is available to use—barring the dentist’s chair, which is in need of serious repair—but for private rentals, Patricia apparently tends to lock up the whips and such. So it’s generally a BYOW situation, which I’m sure you can appreciate. The rental is $100 an hour with an extra $100 per hour should you require a mistress or master to assist you. Give them a call at (416) 964-9871 if you want the full scoop.
If you want to find something in Montreal, I would suggest doing the same at the Montreal Escort Review Board (merb.ca). It’s a simple process to join and puts you in touch with the sex worker community and its clientele directly.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM |
