Happy boo year

by RAF KATIGBAK

Hugh is a highly eloquent, rather successful young professor at a rather successful, rather expensive New York educational institution. Over dinner the other night, he recounted to me how, at a recent conference of other young, successful professors, he witnessed the strangest display of political correctness.

“Before we began, the master of ceremonies told us that there would be many talks and speeches and that there is limited time, so instead of steady applause, he asked everyone to clap…once,” he said, dumbfounded. “That’s it. Not just, Keep it short’ or ‘Save your applause till the end,’ but to clap each and every time, for everyone. But just once, to let everyone know they did a good job.”

I imagined 200 academics in tweed blazers with patched elbows in a massive brainiac football huddle suddenly smacking their hands together in unison yelling “Break!” as they dispersed and did whatever it is smart people do.

“It was the most insane thing I ever heard. I wanted to kill everyone,” he grumbled drearily. It’s important to note that Hugh is Parisian, so not only is he prone to over-dramatization, but his distaste for social convention and forced politeness is heightened to the point of absurdity.

But he had a point. For Hugh, it was not only the silliness of a forced unison single action, or the surrealism of each talk concluding in a singular cult-like explosive and conclusive “Plack!” but the dangerous idea that every participant is a winner, and that everyone should be rewarded evenly—no matter how great or hellacious their performance is.

In a normal clapping situation, if you hated something but felt somewhat polite, you would maybe deliver a few perfunctory handclaps and then rest your hands politely on your lap. If you really didn’t like something, you would maybe just defiantly cross your arms in protest (or hurl some sort of footwear, if you were in the Middle East). Whatever you chose to do, there existed a gradient of approval. For the clapper, it was a freedom to express themselves. For the clapee, it was some qualitative feedback on their work.

But the one-clap is no longer self-expression, but more an expression of oneness with the collective. “We’re all in this together,” it says. “We are all amazing!” It’s an empty gesture that ultimately results in a false camaraderie and lower standards. “I felt trapped,” Hugh confessed. “Some of the talks were absolutely horrendous, but I had to one-clap.” The other problem, he explained, is that it’s such a simple action that you can’t not do it, unless you want to come off as a total lazy asshole.

I told him I understood his frustration with the one-clap. After all, “I’m from Canada: the great bastion of superficial political correctness.” We’re a cultural mosaic that celebrates diversity through hyphenated origins. Here everyone is equally awesome and everyone has something to share and we should all be rewarded for sharing it.

This of course is all complete bullshit. Sure, I’m not about to start telling people they have no right to speak. But I don’t think we should stand by if we think what someone is sharing is a load of horse-hockey. Part of quality control is knowing when things are bad and pointing it out (why do you think most Canadian television and radio is so mind-numbingly boring?) Some people suck, and I think it’s okay if we let them know it.

By the time you read this, it’ll be Christmas, and regardless whether you think Jesus was truly a prophet and the son of God or that he was just a charismatic guy with a beard and a penchant for comfortable footwear, you’ll still be in that weird in-between stage where you’re thinking about the year ahead. My resolution for 2009 is to empower myself verbally and do my part to help Canada become a better place the best way I know how: more booing.

People should boo. Not just in sports, when the visiting team takes the field, or at a spoken word performance when someone speaks-in-that-a-nnoy-ing-mu-si-cal-spo-ken-word-voooooice… but also in everyday life. People need to express their dissatisfaction, and what better way than a good old fashion jeer? Next time someone cuts you off, you should boo. If someone gives you attitude for having 13 items in the express line at the grocery store, boo them too. Don’t like how your BLT tastes? Boo the tomatoes for making the bread soggy. Got a stomachache? Boo your lower abdomen. Boo your dog for eating your shoe. Boo your baby for not being able to roll over after seven months. Boo your car if it doesn’t start in the morning. Boo the snow if it makes you late for work and the sidewalk for making you fall on your ass for the umpteenth time and the snowy patch on your butt for thawing and making it look like you peed your pants.

Sure, you may come off as a bitter, hate-mongering asshole, but hey, at least you’ll be honest. Fuck the one-clap. Next year, it’s time to tell the universe you’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna be a nice Canadian anymore! 2009: the year of the boo.

Happy Holidays!

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA