THIS WEEK: Tantrum, Jonas, Ted Bird!

PLUS: Post-Christmas humbuggery!!

M This is a rant about the local Montreal band Tantrum. I auditioned to be their bass player a little while ago and they did not choose me—which is cool, I’m fine with that. But then I hear from various sources that they’re going around TALKING SHIT about me, how I’m not good enough to be in Tantrum. I just wanted to say that I’m glad that they didn’t choose me because I don’t want to be a part of their little crappy nu-metal band! Some of the guys in the band are nice, but not Dax—he can look forward to working at the Steve’s Music Store repair shop until he’s well into his 50s. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, this is TED BIRD [apparently on air] calling from CHOM FM. I’m calling about the guy who called the Rant Line™ and said that if I berate or mock Neil Young one more time, he’s going to come down here and BITCH SLAP me. Well, tell him to make the first one count because I’m going to take him down by the river and make him my cinnamon girl [much laughter among the CHOM crew] with my powder finger [more laughter ensues]. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, in response to the guy who was talking about Ted Bird dissing Neil Young on CHOM—I just want to tell you, don’t lose sleep. You get to wake up the next day and be you, Neil Young gets to wake up the next day and be Neil Young, but Ted Bird has to wake up every day being Ted Bird. So it could be worse, bro. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the strip song topic. Have a little homegrown pride. Jonas, “Edge of Seventeen,” biatch. [BLEEP!]

F For the stripper who wants to know the best song to strip to. My nomination is “I Need Somebody” by the Stooges because it’s SLOW and DIRTY and who doesn’t love that? That would be the sexiest thing ever. Another thing: don’t use baby oil to masturbate. That’s just weird. Who uses oil that’s named after something it wasn’t made from? That’s gross. Try almond oil. It smells good and it doesn’t have the word baby in it. Plus, Steve, I still love your band but you shouldn’t have cut your hair. That’s total METAL BETRAYAL, dude. Good night. [BLEEP!]

M What is it with all these IRISH pubs in downtown Montreal that are too embarrassed to actually play Irish music on their sound systems? The other day, I was having FISH and CHIPS to the tune of “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles. How sad. [BLEEP!]

M Can someone tell me what’s the story with all those MANGLED bicycles tied up to parking meters in downtown Montreal? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Alex Julien, you know, the guy who wears his UNDERWEAR at shows. I had to call because this guy calling praising the Do Not Call list doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m calling from the WEST WING of my call centre. We’re doing surveys only, not fucking telemarketing! He needs to understand that. And we’re going to call him tomorrow at 10 p.m. Fuck that guy. [BLEEP!]

M I hope everyone had a merry, pagan, new world order Christmas and didn’t buy too many toys with lead in them made by Chinese slaves and have a happy new year. Criticalunity.org. [BLEEP!]

M Christmas, what a crock of ignorant shit. We’re on the edge of global meltdown, yet we insist on celebrating this fucking ignorant tradition. Cutting down these forests, mass consuming like oblivious fucking morons. Goddamnit, in 20 years, Christmas is going to be more shameful than KKK meetings 50 years ago. [BLEEP!]

M We the Québécois are not the same thing as the French from France because we’re Québécois. We’re LUMBERJACKS. We fuck all the native girls, cut all the trees, yeah, we’re lumberjacks. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the DOUCHE-NOZZLE in Chateauguay who smashed into my parked car on Christmas day then ran away. I now have no vehicle. You destroyed it, you fuckface. Pray loudly to your god that I never find you—but since your front end must be smashed to shit, hiding the damage won’t be easy. Sleep with one eye open, ass-chin. I’m looking for you. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, this message goes out to Nadia, aka Sexy Nadia, and Loverboy. I’d like to thank the two of you from the BOTTOM of my heart for giving me the SHAFT a few months ago. We met last July and you promised me that we would keep in touch, that you would reconsider if I would be good enough to work for your company as long as I held up my end of the bargain by losing a good 20 pounds. Well, it’s been five months and I come to find out that, apparently, I was never good enough for you after all, right? Well, fuck you, fuck your company, and fuck everything you stand for! You guys are bunch of lying, thieving bastards and you wasted my time and my time is money. How dare you do that to me! I had confidence in you and you deceived me. On top of that, you guys promised me that we would be friends and that we’d even go out SALSA DANCING. I never even got one phone call back from you after I had left numerous messages. Go to hell. Oh and by the way, what goes around, comes around. And if I see you on the street downtown, I will destroy you. Mark my words. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, what’s up with PENISES these days? They don’t work like they used to. [BLEEP!]

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