NEWS
Let’s go Haiti!
“There are mentally ill people walking the streets who can come up and attack you with a machete, and just because you’re a white person and have a camera doesn’t mean you’re immune from that.”
—Photographer Caroline Hayeur, on shooting in Haiti
Inadequacy is normal, hooray!
“There are a lot of really basic things about sex that men and women don’t know, but really should, like the fact that around 50 per cent of women cannot reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse, or that most healthy males cannot have sex for longer than two minutes before ejaculating.”
—McGill Love/Sex Week organizer Nicolas Piperno
RÊVE GONE AWRY: CharkaouiAnd slimmer, and without the guns
“For me, Canada was the American dream, but in French.”
—Suspected terrorist and security certificate detainee Adil Charkaoui
And powerful, closeted actors
“We aren’t afraid of Scientology. Fear is their main weapon. Fear and litigation.”
—Anonymous Montreal member
Everyone should have one
“Each of the three competitors was awarded their very own restrained gimp, which they then proceeded to either shove around or dry hump at will.”
—Mirror writer Cody Carlsbad, on the Mr. Leather Montreal 2008 competition
You’re from Alberta?
“One of the government ministers there said that homosexuality is a worse crime than murder.”
—Malaysian homosexual “AK,” facing deportation to his home country
Sweet vision
“I went to school with a lot of guys like that, who would talk and talk, but when you punched them in the mouth, you realized that was an area they had never been in.”
—Henry Rollins, on right-wing pundit/prick Sean Hannity
Godless in Quebec
“There are lots and lots of people there that need to hear about Jesus Christ.”
—Teri Billiter, station manager at WCHP, a Champlain, New York-based Christian radio station broadcasting to Quebec
Conservatives are into child rape?
“It seems like the government wants to take on the role that the church had in Quebec in the ’40s and ’50s.”
—Les invasions barbares producer Denise Robert, on the Conservative government’s Bill C-10, which would kill funding to films deemed morally objectionable
Still, it’ll be missed
“Crackheads used to count their rocks on the table [at the Alouette bar], people were fucking in the bathroom. It was really dirty. I’ve seen a lot, but fuck, man.”
—Katacombes co-owner Janick Langlais, on the pre-gentrified lower Main
Hey, ours too
“It boggles my mind that anyone can look to the U.S. as a model for anything except as a colossal failure.”
—University of Ottawa criminology professor and a founder of the Canadian Foundation for Drug Policy Eugene Oscapella
Just chill, dude
“Breaking Canada’s complacent attitude towards illicit drugs will require huge efforts.”
—Federal Justice Minister Rob Nicholson’s spokesman Darren Eke, on tough new anti-drug laws
When marijuana officially becomes lame
“I’d love to see Paul McCartney, Madonna and Celine there, and Pepsi and Doritos as sponsors. They’d reap millions in revenue from thirsty, hungry potheads.”
—Million Marijuana March organizer Boris St-Maurice
Seriously Norm, don’t hold back
“Harper or Ignatieff, I don’t know who fills me with more loathing. The most disgusting wretches on Earth. Ignatieff is the pious prostitute. I wonder how these people can wake up and look in the mirror in the morning. Such shameless whores. No disparagement meant to whores, most of them do it because they have no choice. Ignatieff has a choice.”
—Norman Finkelstein
BRICKBATS FOR BROADCASTER: StockYou suck, P.J.!
“People don’t mind letting you know you suck.”
—Sports broadcaster P.J. Stock, on life in the media
You mean you’re not a loudmouth?
“We’re both tenured professors, and we’re both in an excellent position to write controversial positions because we can’t lose our jobs. We’re not in the same position as Norman Finklestein.”
—The Israel Lobby and U.S. Foreign Policy co-author John J. Mearsheimer, on the controversy around his book
Maintenance must suck
“But the point isn’t how many people we can get to fuck the machines, it’s more about appreciating them; the people-getting-fucked thing is just the potential of where it could go.”
—Cirque de Boudoir’s Davidé, on this year’s Sex Machine Competition/Exhibition
Boom! Fuck yeah!
“People like the feeling of shooting a gun. And there’s something special about hitting the clay pigeon for the first time and watching it explode.”
—Montreal Skeet Club owner Elie Zarife
No, really??
“Experience has shown us that anytime you do an event involving sexuality, you get these single guys showing up thinking they’ll just come and get laid.”
—Bal Érotique organizer Frank Scuccimarri
The real Chinese Olympics
“It’s a country that throws bloggers in jails, shoots Tibetans for protesting peacefully, harvests organs from members of the Falun Gong and indiscriminately arrests any dissident.”
—Dermod Travis, executive director of the Montreal-based Canada Tibet Committee
Montreal neighbours? Maybe.
“Am I really going to want to pay to sit on my couch and watch my neighbours fuck?”
—Montreal pornographer Vid Vicious, on amateur Cancon porn channel Northern Peaks
New York’s glory days
“I remember getting out of the Port Authority Bus Terminal at one point, and popping into a peep show, putting in my 25 cents and seeing a girl fist a horse. And I was like, ‘Wow, this is what New York is like!’”
—Gay porn star turned author Daniel Allen Cox, on first arriving in the pre-Giuliani Big Apple
DEALING WITH TWEENS ON BLOW: ArcherNo kidding
“It’s hard to deal with a 10-year-old on coke.”
—Médecins Sans Frontières nurse and artist Laura Archer, recently returned from Central African Republic
Not lately, dammit
“Perhaps the one thing that is unique about Montreal is the Stanley Cup riots, which have a certain cultural aspect to them.”
—Anarchist and Ph.D. candidate Marc-André Cyr, on Quebec’s history of rioting
And nary a female in sight
“Eating snacks listening to the Conan the Barbarian soundtrack—it’s great to listen to when you’re pretending to be a wizard or 17th level elf preparing to slay a dragon.”
—Self-avowed geek Alex Megelas, on the awesomeness of role-playing
Prepare for disappointment
“Knowing that Obama has a lot of shortcomings in his foreign and domestic policies, there’s a slight opening that could be filled with traditional conservative, old-line Democrats—which would be a disaster—or it could be filled by all those young, enthusiastic Obama supporters.”
—U.S. author and historian Howard Zinn
Obviously, you’re not talking about working at the Mirror
“Just imagine having a job where it’s fun, easy and you’re making insane money.”
—Former call girl Natalie McLennan
HOOKING, THE BEST JOB EVER: McLennanFish, a lot like Montrealers
“We find that they’re more approachable because they’re more lethargic in winter.”
—Ice diver Robin Fabiani about diving in Gatineau
All work and no play
“There are a lot of misconceptions about the job. People think you’re playing games all day. But that’s like saying someone who builds swimming pools swims all day.”
—Eidos lead QA tester William Pare on his tough workload
How about snivelling?
“He will be dragged along, if not necessarily kicking and screaming, then certainly whimpering.”
—Gwynne Dyer, on Stephen Harper and the growing consensus about the real threats posed by climate change
MUSIC
Stripe gripe
“Actually, everybody calls him ‘shithead’ in Detroit. That’s why he bought a million-dollar house and then had to move a month later. People hate him here with a passion. What can I say, the guy’s just an asshole and he dresses like Michael Jackson.”
—Jason Stollsteimer of the Von Bondies, reflecting on Jack White (who gave him a black eye)
Out come the freaks
“If you’re going to be embittered, and really want to embrace your bitterness, then a freak show is a lovely place to do it. There’s a humour and a playfulness about it that’s darkly redeeming.”
-Baby Dee on Coney Island sideshow work
What, no wolves?
“[The song “Hobo Storm”] is about hobos dancing—I think. Hobos are definitely the new pirates/robots/ninjas/monkeys. Or maybe the old, whichever.”
—Ryan Halpenny of Toronto’s Shitt Hottt
HOBO A GOGO: HalpennyHobos may beg to differ
“If you love barrels of rum, boiled beef and sodomy, being a pirate is the only life to have. We’re the original gangstas and the original punks—you just don’t get any more outlaw than being a pirate.”
—Moppy McMoperson of Montreal’s Death Boat
Besides, chicks dig it
“I know I’m a rock ’n’ roll drummer from Texas who got really, really lucky to get cast in this wonderful piece. But I will not step on anybody’s beliefs. My feeling is that if I can be a channel for a connection somehow, a touchstone, for anybody to find some sort of peace in their own spirituality, then I am truly blessed to have that opportunity.”
—Jesus Christ Superstar lead Ted Neeley on being mistaken for the real dude
AMEN TO THAT: NeeleyDisgracebook
“All these social networking sites, they could be used for revolutionary purposes, like drawing people together. But they’re used for more selfish goals. It’s a generation of people who are obsessed with themselves.”
—Andrew VanWyngarden of MGMT
Key demographic cornered!
“It helped get the word out there, and with punctuation. My mom’s bridge-playing friends definitely give me props now too.”
—Skratch Bastid on his Juno nom for producing Buck 65’s Situation
An evil one, mind you
“I don’t know if I would classify myself as a Satanist. I wouldn’t really label myself with any of those ‘-ist’ words, because I am my own person.”
—Dimmu Borgir guitarist Silenoz
Anyway, more garage rock please
“I don’t know why we get this garage rock thing, because I haven’t played garage rock since 1992. Nobody seems to listen to me, though.”
—Mick Collins of the Dirtbombs
Does that make Iggy Pop Peter Lorre?
“I respect what he does, but I still think it’s a little funny—gee, a guy with a girl’s name wearing make-up, I wish I would’ve thought of that. When I first met him, it was like Bela Lugosi meeting Boris Karloff.”
—Alice Cooper on Marilyn Manson
With less trampling deaths…
“The Internet is like a giant Wal-Mart where dreams come true.”
—Leslie Hall of Leslie and the Ly’s
VOLUME DISCOUNT: HallWho, Axl?
“When people say, ‘That asshole is so pretentious, he needs to be knocked off his high horse,’ they don’t realize that that pretentious asshole is totally freaked out by the world and has a lot of anxiety problems and is actually a sweet person and needs their love.”
—Of Montreal’s Kevin Barnes
Not a wiener keener
“Rock ’n’ roll forgot about ladies, first and foremost, and turned into a boy party, and I don’t know how you like your biscuits buttered but personally I sure as shit am not down with bummed-out dudes at a boy party.”
—Jesse Hughes of Eagles of Death Metal on reinstating “the majesty of rock”
AMAZED: LovefoxxxIf not exactly fabulous
“We were very addicted to watching Ab Fab and Patsy’s always smoking so much cigarettes. I think it was just the image of her face, her decrepit face smoking so many cigarettes—this is very amazing.”
—Lovefoxxx of CSS
“Liar” has four letters too
“I would go so far as to say that no one in the Conservative party is actually offended by the name. They were going to cancel that budget anyway. So they found a scapegoat—if it wasn’t us, they would have found someone else. I don’t think it has anything to do with religion or obscenity, I think it’s just 100 per cent lies. That’s obvious.”
—Holy Fuck’s Brian Borcherdt on being attached to Harper’s proposed arts-funding cuts
But the Blue Jays suck!
“I think Canada is just adorable and I’m just giving you guys a pat on the head. Like, an ‘Oh, they have their own baseball team, how cute’ kind of thing.”
—Steve Albini of Shellac
All that and a bit filthy too
“People born under the year of the rat tend to be leaders, pioneers, conquerors. They’re usually charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and of course hardworking, like you know the rat is.”
—Francis Madore, spokesperson for New Tang Dynasty TV’s Chinese New Year Spectacular at Place des Arts
PAD ATTITUDE: McCloskeyGo with the flow
“It was never something that we were after, but now we’re not sure that we would go back. We play one hell of a show when we’re all on the same cycle.”
—Kiyomi McCloskey of Hunter Valentine on their now all-woman line-up
FILM
A naked girl works even better
“The strength of magazines are their editors, writers, photographers and researchers. Corporate owners don’t always recognize that, and realize there are often simpler ways of grabbing readers’ attention, by simply putting a celebrity on their cover.”
—Abbey Neidik, director of Inside the Great Magazines
Because being a junkie married to Courtney Love is nothing to brag about
“Everybody knows what John Lennon sounded like when he talked, everyone knows what Elvis Presley sounded like. Kurt just didn’t give that many interviews. I’ve actually had fans try to argue that it’s not actually Kurt! That it doesn’t sound anything like Kurt! Which I find pretty humourous.”
—A.J. Schnack, director of the documentary Kurt Cobain: About a Son
What, no reptilians?
“My recent No Plague Like Home examines the 9/11 false flag operation and identifies the perpetrators within the shadow government i.e. David Rockefeller, the Rothschilds, the drunken mole Cheney, the traitor Bush and other members of the global elite, although in a light-hearted way, naturally.”
—New York underground filmmaker Nick Zedd
That must break some kind of international convention
“We didn’t want to get into a diatribe; that’s just not what we’re doing. We’re real opportunists. We’re just using Guantanamo Bay to make poo-poo and pee-pee jokes, really.”
—John Cho, star of Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
POO PARTISAN: ChoAt least he’s not a suck-up
“If people have a problem with it, and they think it’s another very bad Uwe Boll movie, okay! It’s their point of view, because they feel better if they’re ass-kissing the studios 24 hours a day and writing great reviews for 10,000 B.C., Jumper or Speed Racer. Then I have to say I give a shit about those reviewers because they’re fucking retards!”
—Uwe Boll, director of Postal
Puberty felt like that too
“We felt like we were being led into this world that we’d been sitting right next to our whole lives, and had somehow been oblivious to.”
—Arne Johnson, (male) director of the documentary Girls Rock!
We’d recognize that vacant stare anywhere!
“The best—and most difficult—part of the shooting process was the transformation of my character. I had so many different prosthetics, and so many different looks. I look almost unrecognizable.”
—Paris Hilton, on her role in REPO! The Genetic Opera
PROSTHETIC PRINCESS: HiltonOne step at a time
“Our biggest dream is to go back home to our families. You know, plus play in a heavy metal band.”
—Al Lateef, refugee bassist for Iraqi metal band Acrassicauda and subject of the documentary Heavy Metal Baghdad
Aww, just mentally?
“It was very hard to do 1,700 shots in just two weeks, averaging more than 100 shots per day. I announced to the staff ‘Please be prepared to be raped by me (mentally).’”
—Yoshihiro Nishimura, director of the effects-laden Tokyo Gore Police
Who doesn’t?
“I exploit the gross-out factor. Younger audiences, they like a good vomit.”
—Robert Englund, best known as Freddy Krueger and star of this year’s Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
Bromantic philosophy
“To me, there’s nothing funnier than a guy telling another guy that he’s hurt his feelings.”
—Seth Rogen, writer/star of Pineapple Express
HARSHING ON HIPSTERS: SilverIt’s a living
“I think the world that we lived in, and continue to live in, is just hilarious. The way that people live their lives in Montreal and in these hipster communities all over the world is the most ridiculous way to live your life that you could possibly imagine.”
—Matt Silver, writer and star of local feature Who Is KK Downey?
America’s Jesus Jones
“Twenty-five per cent of Americans think that not only will the world come to an end, but in their lifetimes. It’s a little egotistical! ‘Of course he’s coming back when I’m here! He wants to see me!’”
—Religulous star and pundit Bill Maher
Arts & More
Sounds like a week at the Mirror
“People think we have a great time making the show but the truth is that we’re just digging our eyeballs out. It’s horrible, the stress is insane, but when the season is over, we’re always happy that we made it.”
—South Park co-creator Trey Parker
But otherwise he’s a nice guy?
“He’s a ball-less, soulless sucker of Satan’s cock.”
—Blue Collar comic Ron White, on HBO chairman Bill Nelson, for cancelling 12 Miles of Bad Road
How to attract straight men
“I approach them in parks, and they come to my studio and we make up different activities. Like, ‘How many strawberries can you eat?’ or the task may be to lift all of my Ikea furniture in one hand.”
—Gay artist Alex Da Corte on finding and working with his straight male subjects
Who’s the weaker sex?
“One big difference with women politicians, Hillary included, is that they all score much higher on dominance traits than male leaders. They’re all very controlling, domineering and assertive, they’re strong willed, and they’re often rather narrow in their focus.”
—Dr. Blema Steinberg, author of Women in Power, on female politicians
Look on the bright side—or not
“In a world ablaze with war and suffering, and seemingly on the verge of environmental disaster, I look and see everyone obsessed with money, shopping, technology and celebrities. They always say, ‘You can either laugh or cry,’ but doing both at the same time opens the soul a little easier. A little screaming mixed in doesn’t hurt either.”
—Montreal cartoonist Howard Chackowicz on favouring pain over pleasure
And if you hold onto them for too long, they both turn to shit
“Buying fruits is kind of like investing in stocks. Without a guy on the inside, you have no way of knowing what to buy.”
—Adam Gollner, author of The Fruit Hunters
Try weed
“I was excitable back then. And I was on crack, which was making me more excitable.”
—British comic Russell Brand, on dressing up as Osama bin Laden on Sept. 12, 2001
RELATIVELY CALM: BrandLlama farm now hiring unemployed record execs!
“By 1992, the record business was already falling apart; the writing was on the wall. Everybody that I knew was looking for a way out. Some people took early retirement. I spent about six weeks looking for a llama farm in Northern California.”
—Former record exec Daniel J. Levitin on turning to science
Well, there goes your grant money
“Everything is so clean these days. Maybe it has to do with the Harper government.”
—Founding Cock Brother Adam Kelly wants to make comedy dirty
POSSIBLY CLUELESS: O’NeillI heart lower St-Laurent
“Even the seediest, most derelict places didn’t feel dangerous. Maybe I was just clueless. I barely made it out of there alive.”
—Writer Heather O’Neill on her childhood affection for the darker side of the city
How a writer prepares
“Lots of watching America’s Next Top Model, and flipping through Vogue.”
—Joseh Boyden on researching his latest novel Through Black Spruce
Sure beats fish!
“That dame’s pussy tasted like champagne!”
—Tony Curtis on the perks of sleeping with Marilyn Monroe |
