THIS WEEK: Puscifer, rave chicks, baby oil,
Howie Morenz!

PLUS: Do Not Call means Do Not Call!!

M Okay, so once again our good friend, Squarepusher, aka Tom Jenkinson, has released an awesome album, unreal. My only question is when is the next time that he’s coming to the Ile de Montréal? I think it would make a phenomenal show if he came with his compatriot on Rephlex records, Aphex Twin, Mr. Richard D. James. Anyway, that’s just an idea, but his new album is the shit. [BLEEP!]

F A good strip song is “Pimper’s Paradise” by Damian Marley. [BLEEP!]

M For the stripper: if you want it hot and sweaty and slow, you have to go with “Rev 22:20” by Puscifer. Hot and heavy then you’ve got to go with “Post Blue” by Placebo. Not very well known songs but trust me. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the stripper who asked for the best song to dance to. You know, it’s really difficult to make a decision like that without actually seeing her strip. I think if she could give me a little dance there first, then I could give you a good suggestion for a song. Where does she dance? [BLEEP!]

M This is for the hot chick who likes going to strip bars and getting hot lap dances. I’m a guy that’s willing to hold your hand in this JOURNEY. Get you through the front door into a world of ass-jiggling and booby-wiggling. Get in touch with me at stripwithu18@yahoo.ca and we can buy each other lap dances all night until we lose each other in a sea of tits and asses. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F All right baby girl, this is the 12 GAUGE MINX and I’m here to give you the 411 on where you can get titties all up in your face. I work in a strip club myself and I see always groups of girls coming in, they allow that. When the girls come in, they get dances, the girls even climb onstage, put a $5 bill in their mouth, lie down on their back, and the stripper basically straddles them. And if you’re lucky and drunk enough, she’ll take off your shirt and suck on your titties in front of everybody. So, any strip club on Ste-Catherine, go and see me. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. As far as best strip songs go, I’d say anything by Massive Attack. On a different note, I want to know what is the WEIRDEST song you’ve seen a girl dance to. For me, it would have to be “Trans-Europe Express” by Kraftwerk and it was, of course, a GERMAN GIRL at about three in the afternoon in Montreal. And my friend, I think, he saw someone dancing to “Tequila.” [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I just want to know what the fuck is up with all these stupid-ass RAVE CHICKS in the Plateau. They’re absolutely everywhere with their glow sticks and their colourful bracelets and leggings and shit. I don’t even know if there’s raves in the Plateau. I used to go to raves a lot and I don’t see any now. [BLEEP!]

M Sunscreen? Shampoo? Honey, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, okay? I’ve even sworn off lube, you know, when I’m taking care of myself downtown. My suggestion to you, honey, is baby oil. Yeah, yeah, I’m going to dump that one right on you. Big shocker. But it’s the best, it stays on for a while, it’s not too GREASY, it doesn’t get sticky. It actually moisturizes your PEEPER. So I’m just telling you, honey, go with the baby oil. And I suggest Johnson & Johnson. That’s this week’s advice. Okay, bye bye now. [BLEEP!]

M Why is it every time I’m on the metro someone’s breaking up? What is it about the metro that causes every couple in the world to have a FIGHT and break up? I don’t know. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m walking through the Habs zone at the Lucien l’Allier train terminal, inside the Bell Centre. The new statues and stuff are really cool but it’s the day of the first snowstorm in this wicked winter and Howie Morenz has got an ICICLE BOOGER hanging from his nose since 8 o’clock this morning. It’s quitting time and no one’s given him a Kleenex. Montreal, a little respect. [BLEEP!]

M Wow, thanks for posting criticalunity.org that exposes the elite’s plan for WORLD DOMINATION. And when I look in the mirror, I see that I am not free. So when I look in the Mirror paper, I’m pleased to see that it is, in fact, a free press. The world needs to know what is really going on. Thank you and have a wonderful day. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, two questions, Montreal. First, Xbox or Playstation? Second, is it really worth it to WET YOUR JOINT as you’re smoking it? Does that really fucking help? Get back to me. [BLEEP!]

F Hey everybody, I’m calling just to rant about this goddamn Do Not Call list. I put myself on this list probably about a month ago and so far, in the past two fucking weeks, I’ve had literally five fucking calls and not only has it been just during the day, but they’re calling me at like 9:30 at night. And, don’t get me wrong, 9:30 is not late if you’re a friend, but for God sake’s people, Christ, what if I had kids? What if I fucking go to bed early? What if I was a fucking older elderly person? God. Fuck you. Stop calling. And when does this fucking Do Not Call list thing get into fucking effect? Sorry, I’m swearing so much but, Jesus Christ, I just got off the phone again. [BLEEP!]

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