THIS WEEK: Axl, needles, oreos, Kahnawake!

PLUS: Where can a girl get a lap dance?!

M Hi. This is for the girl asking for the best strip song. I’d have to say Joe Cocker, “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” [BLEEP!]

F Hm, a strip song for a girl at a club? Let’s see. Even though I’m a girl and I’m not a lesbian, I would have to definitely say “Pussy Liquor” by Rob Zombie. Definitely, definitely hot. [BLEEP!]

M “Milkshake” by Kelis because she gets to be very SASSY. Sassy. That’s what works. Oh yeah. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got to say “Slave” by Britney Spears. Definitely. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the stripper. I recommend “Personal Jesus” by Marilyn Manson because it’s just hot to listen to. So if you’re not good to look at, at least people will enjoy the song. [BLEEP!]

M Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You Baby” followed by Beyoncé’s “Naughty Girl.” That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M “Jungle Fever” by the Chakachas. Hope that helps. [BLEEP!]

M For that CHICA who was asking which strip song is best for a girl to perform on a pole. Honestly, from a strictly male point of view, we couldn’t care less—I don’t give a flying fuck what kind of song you dance on as long as you know how to shake that. As long as you know how to work that pole, girl, you got our fantasies going and we get that shit good, it’s all good. You feel me? [BLEEP!]

F I’m a girl who absolutely loves going to strip clubs, but it seems that a girl going alone is not overly welcome. I’m a hot girl—I used to be a stripper myself—but I don’t want to be a stripper anymore, I just want to go and get LAP DANCES from hot chicks. So if anyone can tell me a strip club where a girl can go in the downtown area and be welcome with open arms and not get a tough time from the owners, or be made to feel uncomfortable, please let me know. I really, really, really want to know because I love, love, love seeing nice JIGGLY boobs in my face and having that sexy ass WIGGLE, wiggle, wiggle in front of me. Where can a girl can go to see some pretty girls jiggle their stuff? Please let me know. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M The Mac is back! AXL ROSE is taking names and kicking ass! Sure, there’s no Slash, Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan or Steven Adler, but all in all, it’s a pretty good record. Go, Axl Rose! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, moron. Everyone knows that Nirvana’s song is better than Bowie’s. Congratulations on being 15 years late. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s up? My rant is about the pharmacies on Parc in Mile-End telling me I need a prescription to buy insulin NEEDLES. I go ask for a pack of insulin needles, they start looking at me like a junkie. Yes, I am a junkie, but aren’t pharmacies supposed to be about prevention? Okay, I don’t have a prescription for needles but what? You think I’m not going to do my DOPE?! No, I’m just going to use a dirty needle. So from now on, I think all these pharmacies should fucking give you the needles when you want them. [BLEEP!]

F Listen to me, you stupid ignorant racist cunt. Calling a black person an OREO is not only disgusting and pathetic, but it’s like so motherfucking 1975. What do you want? Do you want Obama to go back and PICK COTTON in the fucking plantation? Typical black people don’t graduate from Harvard? We’re in Montreal, bitch. No one has graduated from Harvard here. Okay? Not only is it pathetic that you found it feasible to call in and say these nasty-ass racist things but you probably read your motherfucking rant and was proud of your racist ass. You probably think you’re a LIBERAL. You probably think that you have some insightful comments. You are so disgusting and narrow-minded. Shame on you. Shame on the earth that you exist. Shame on this whole fucking planet that someone like you is allowed to walk around and speak. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl who made a reference to Obama being an Oreo cookie. You know what, I’m a guy of colour myself and I can’t lie, her little rant had me on the floor cracked up, I was laughing so hard. Unfortunately, sadly, what she said was true so I must agree with her. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a rant about those stickers that they put on the top of DVDs. I just bought the LITTLE MERMAID and when I went to pull off the sticker, it totally ripped off half the fucking label. If I ever find who made up these stupid stickers, I’m going to put both fists in their ass. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. It’s, like, 2 a.m. in the morning and I’m running out of smokes and I’m just wondering to myself, you know what? I’ve got to take a freaking bus across the bridge into KAHNAWAKE tomorrow to get affordable cigarettes and I was wondering why don’t the Indians just DELIVER? You know? I know they can’t have a shop here in Montreal, so why don’t they just deliver, man? [BLEEP!]

M Last night I had an erotic dream about Pauline Marois. Now I’m afraid of falling asleep. [BLEEP!]

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