THIS WEEK: Juvenile, Soulja Slim,
Flavor Flav, Obama!

PLUS: Woman has bad day at the People’s Potato!!

M Hello, I’m responding to the woman looking for the best STRIP SONG for a girl to perform on the pole in the club. It’s got to be “Valerie” by Amy Winehouse. And would you please have poor impulse control and wear too much eye make-up as well. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the stripper: If you want to look good while you’re shaking your ass, I recommend the song “Slow Motion,” by Soulja Slim and Juvenile. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my rant is for a little woman I like to call Britney Spears and her new song “Womanizer.” Listen to me Britney: How come you call boys womanizers when all you’ve done in your entire life is PARADE around in your videos in a bikini and dance around like you’re going to fuck or suck somebody? Tell me, how does that make guys womanizers for wanting to sleep with you? Can you explain that to me, Britney? Please, I need to know. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m going through my old VHS tapes—shit that I recorded off of television when I was 16, 17, 18—I’m now in my 30s. I just found Saturday Night Live Music A-Go-Go, which was a two-hour show compilation of the best musical moments of Saturday Night Live and something just hit me like a ton of bricks followed by another ton of bricks. Nirvana’s unplugged version of David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold the World” is so much better than David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold the World.” Better than the original! Bowie’s was theatrical, Cobain’s was just straight up. I’m sorry, but anyone who challenges me on this needs to have their head examined. Bowie’s version is shite compared to Nirvana’s version! And I know a lot of people don’t like Nirvana just because of the whole three-chord rock thing but I’m sorry, man, anyone who fucks with me on this, please rant back because I would love to pick your reply apart. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy who said that OBAMA hasn’t done anything yet. He sure has. First he got all the black people to vote, then he got all the white people to congratulate themselves on not being racist and then he got all the people to forget that he’s a FAST-TALKING POLITICIAN. That’s quite a lot considering he hasn’t taken office yet. [BLEEP!]

F I agree with the gentleman who said that people need to calm the fuck down about Barack Obama because he hasn’t done anything yet. I hate to burst your bubble but I don’t think he WILL do anything. Because it doesn’t matter what colour he is, at the end of the day, he’s still a guy in the government. He’s still a politician. And he will disappoint, he will go back on his word, he will say things just to get by and fuck people over like politicians have always been doing. And you know, he’s not even really that black. I have some theories on this and I might as well elaborate. He’s not a typical black guy, let’s face facts here. A typical black person is not a Harvard graduate, is not bourgeoisie, does not stay with the wife, with the person who had his kids, you know? The reason he was elected is because he is a light-skinned black man and therefore non-threatening and that’s why the American public were able to digest him, he was an easy pill to swallow. If he were, like, FLAVOR FLAV’S colour, then he obviously would never even have gotten close to the White House. He’s, of course, the lesser of two evils. I think of SARAH PALIN sometimes and I wake up in a cold sweat, just bolt awake, terrified, thinking of that woman in charge of things because, God, what a fucking ignorant cunt. So, at the end of the day, I’m happy Obama got in. But, seriously, he ain’t the messiah, he’s not even that special and he’s kind of an OREO and people need to fucking cool their jets. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, are you guys afraid to realize that most conspiracy theories are in fact CONSPIRACY REALITIES? Don’t be pussies, post my Web site criticalunity.org. If I don’t see this in the Rant Line™, you guys are pussies and slaves to the government. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this doesn’t have much to do with music but I’m just so pissed off. I was just eating at the PEOPLE’S POTATO up in Concordia—they offer free food every day to students. I sat down with this girl and I didn’t know she was a total psycho until she started telling me I was a terrible person because I’m not VEGAN. Man, I was vegan for seven years! And I was so tired for those seven years and then one day I ate some CHICKEN and you know what? I felt great! It was like ANTI-DEPRESSANTS or something. So I started eating meat again. So I just want to say: girl from the People’s Potato, I’m just going to keep eating meat, you didn’t change my mind. But you did ruin my day. [BLEEP!]

F No, I have never used shampoo when I masturbate because I am a girl. And even if I was a guy, I wouldn’t do that—this guy I know, he once used SUNSCREEN to masturbate and it irritated him so bad he had to not touch himself for a week. And I know he touches himself all the time. So I wouldn’t use anything other than lube or SPIT to masturbate. [BLEEP!]

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