Bring on the balls!

Grown-ups resurrect dodgeball
from its playground grave

YELLOWKNIFE THRILLS:
Competitors in the Rock and Ice Ultra

Dodgeball is the simplest, utterly Darwinistic, most sadistic, self-explanatory sport man has ever created. Anyone who grew up in the Western hemisphere likely has unquenchable memories of playing the dastardly game during their formative years—because even under-funded Baldwin-Cartier elementary schools at least had bouncy-yet-deadly balls and hordes of children with self-esteem issues.

Recollections of taking a barrage of dodgeballs and absorbing insults from your phys ed. instructor (coupled with re-runs of The Wonder Years) has given dodgeball the reputation of being as fearsome a sport as Mesoamerican ritual sacrifice ballgames. Truthfully, dodgeball is enjoyed by many in the city—who courageously accept any and all oncoming balls.

The third year of Club Montreal Sport & Social (CMSS) dodgeball at the YMCA in Pointe St-Charles is nearing completion, with another season coming in January. Although still as chaotic and pride-shrivelling as ever, co-ed dodgeball no longer affected by the travails of puberty is shockingly friendly—even if the goal is to hit someone with a rubber ball. “It can only get so serious, it’s dodgeball” says Vandalay Industries team member Melanie “The Booby Trapper” Franz, 30. “You’re getting whacked with a ball over and over again, so it’s not really that intense.”

FUN, FRIENDLY BARRAGES:
Co-ed dodgeball at Club Montreal Sport & Social

WHIP IT GOOD

Intense seems like the ideal way to describe it. Twelve people, lined up six against six along opposing ends of your typical gym floor, with bloodthirsty eyes and fiendish grins as the CMSS official shouts “Ready...set...dodgeball!” The next few minutes go beyond intense and border on unrestrained chaos; one by one, participants get blindsided by one of four possible balls flying at rocket speeds, grimacing as they fall to the ground in a mix of shame and shock. When only one Herculean ball evader remains, the game is over and everyone lines up again for another helping of balls until 55 minutes are up. “Being able to whip a ball as hard as you can at someone else is a great stress release,” says Robert Hobbins, 31, captain of team Duck My Balls.

In actuality, more than half the balls completely miss their target and go bouncing off the floor, walls or inattentive bystanders. Players who leave the designated rectangle to retrieve an errant ball are still in play, so hiding in a corner is beyond the question. The unrelenting sound of balls whisking by one’s head and making contact against every possible surface is torturous and unnerving—until the survival reflex kicks in.

“Seriously, prepare yourself for getting hit,” warns Franz, a copywriter for an ad agency. “It seems obvious, but the first few times you get drilled, it’s tough to not take it personally.”

STRESS AND EYEBALLING 2

“You have to keep your head on a swivel,” teammate Ryan “Sir Sacksalot” Jarema, 33, says, reciting a defacto team motto. “It’s a high stress environment, so you’re constantly working, trying to avoid balls.” Vandalay Industries could be considered the Montreal Canadiens of local dodgeball: the team has won the league’s first two championships and went undefeated during this year’s regular season.

The trick for the squad—they started playing dodgeball as a way of staying in shape in between ultimate frisbee seasons—has been to work and practise as a team. Jarema, an engineer for Bombardier, says they practise dodging footballs, frisbees, chew-toys, super balls and even tin cans in an effort to gain a leg up on their enemies. Another pivotal team skill is the ability to synchronize throws and develop good catching skills, as catching a ball will eliminate the opponent who threw it and bring back one of your teammates.

Although the team takes immeasurable pride in pounding their opponents into submission with their balls, the dodgeballers equally look forward to the demanding physical workout involved and the social aspects of the sport. Even though officials are there, players tend to police themselves when it comes to determining whether someone was hit by a ball or not. Hits to the head and male groins—while funny—are also against the rules.

In keeping with the rules of most sports at CMSS, every team must be co-ed, despite the inherently violent nature of dodgeball. “Initially, it’s kind of a shock to be targeted by a guy,” says Franz. “It’s hard to quell the old feeling that boys shouldn’t hit girls, which we all learned as kids. But it won’t kill you, so if you move past it and get on with the game, you’re in for a lot of fun.”