Grand pricks

by RAF KATIGBAK

Two words come up when I heard that Quebec Premier Jean Charest confirmed Montreal wouldn’t be getting the F1 Grand Prix this year: boo-fricken-hoo.

You mean the city won’t be filled with obnoxious glamour-hounds and morbidly obese tourists in matching Ferrari jackets asking if we have menus written in “American”? You mean the clubs won’t be rammed with creepy douchebags with silkscreened and sequined skulls on their shirts “getting crunked with tha females”? You mean my ears won’t be assaulted by the high-pitched whizzing sound of engines making laps and dudes revving their engines on Ste-Catherine while gangs of thick-necked Boston chiefs chant “U-S-A” on Crescent? You mean I won’t see corny car-themed window displays with mannequins dressed in low-cut, checkered flag miniskirts? Well, colour me indifferent.

Don’t get me wrong; I like thrills. I mean, we all know the excitement of driving a motorcycle off a cliff then parachuting onto a jet ski then wave-running off a waterfall and grabbing onto a hand glider to float down into a pit of Mountain Dew at the last second, but watching cars go round and round and round super fast just never appealed to me. I’d rather watch my laundry revolve in the drier: it’s way more impressive (since I only do laundry once every three months) and I get to put warm socks on when it’s over (best feeling ever).

Of course, as much as I hate the F1, I can appreciate what it does for our fair city: the hotels are booked and the restaurants are full, the souvenir shops unload boxes of dreamcatchers and novelty “Moose Xing” street signs, and our city’s under-appreciated sex-workers are all busy stepping on executives’ balls with stiletto heels and telling them they’re worthless scum.

So we need to come up with something as big and as money-generating as the F1 while at the same time celebrating who we are as a city, something truly representative of our population. Here are some early ideas:

The Diddler Running Man
What it is: No, it’s not the new dance craze sweeping YouTube. Rather, we could ride the crest of shamelessness and moral degradation of reality television and be inspired by post-apocalyptic blood sport genre films like The Running Man, Rollerball and Death Race 2000 to create a new reality show based on putting pedophiles through a gauntlet of deadly obstacles (mostly all those shitty construction sites on our major streets) and vicious pursuers (whichever disgruntled union member is on strike that week).

Why: Since Montreal has become known as a haven for child pornographers (seriously, Google that shit), there would be no shortage of participants, and everyone can pretty much agree that diddlers are the worst. Everybody wins!

The Biggest Fricken Monster Truck Rally Ever
What it is: Basically all the classic monster trucks—Orange Blossom, Virginia Beast, Monster Vette, Bigfoot, The Original Bigfoot and Bigfoot IV—would compete in an Olympic-style series of events: bus crushing, floating water races, car crushing races, tug of wars and freestyle ice dancing (while crushing stuff).

Why: The glamour and excess of F1 really only appeals to a small percentage of people (mostly rich) so why not have an auto sport that not only appeals to the everyday person but also might even include a giant car-chewing, fire-breathing robot dinosaur? It’s time to rescue PBR and trucker caps from hipster irony and put it back into the greased up, calloused, spousal abusing hands in which they belong.

Assimilation Nation
What it is: Forget reasonable accommodation, let’s find out which ethnicity in the greater Montreal area can assimilate the best! Through a series of trials, immigrants must show who can be the most Queb. Events include eating creton, listening to prog jazz music (or any music with a six-stringed bass), wearing medieval clothing (preferably on a unicycle) and finding La Belle Vie funny. Judges can include Mayor Tremblay, JoJo Savard and that annoying Louis-José Houde guy.

Why: I could say it’s because I love Queb culture and that we should celebrate it in all its awesomeness (as flawed and corny as it sometimes is), but really because intolerance and racialism keeps people away. And when people stay away, rent stays low.

Kitten Parade
What it is: A parade of kittens.

Why: Um, cutest thing EVER!? (d’uh)

RIFF-RAFF@SYMPATICO.CA