THIS WEEK: Greg Cocaine, Alex Julien, germs!

PLUS: More skinny wang solutions!!

M All over the place in the Rant Line™, I hear people arguing about which rapper is better. Look, it doesn’t matter because it’s all crap, understand? It’s kind of like discussing which dog TURD on the street looks better. It’s still just crap. There is absolutely no redeeming value. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, this is Greg Cocaine of the group Greg Cocaine. I’m just calling to rant about my roommates, Alex Cocaine and Mick Cocaine, because they always want me to buy weed and they never, ever buy weed. They buy this crappy HASH and they don’t share it. So just wanted to tell them, you know, in the paper, that they should buy more weed because, you know, we all love the weed. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is Alex Julien, the guy in his UNDERWEAR at shows. I’m just calling once again to give my bi-annual rant. This time it’s to talk about this HUGE RAT that we have here at work. I mean, the bosses see it, they know it exists but they keep it alive. They think it’s some company mascot or something. It’s really getting on my nerves. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, I was at an underground club the other night and I noticed that the club hired a camera guy to do the Web site. Unfortunately, he lent his camera to one of his immature South Shore friends who proceeded to film some guy on the couch who was trying to chill out, putting the lights and the camera on his face. In this province, it is ILLEGAL to film people up close or take their picture without their permission. And it’s kind of whack at an underground haven, where we’re supposed to be sheltered from the GINO attitude shit. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, Obama hasn’t done anything yet. He says a lot of good stuff but he hasn’t done anything. I hate people who follow him around like he’s JESUS. They’re probably the same people who walk around with those little green baskets from Thai Express and wear those Arab scarves. Trend whores. I hate all of you. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanted to say I think it’s absolutely adorable that Ogilvy’s has set up the ENCHANTED VILLAGE display showcasing all the animals that are probably dead inside on the jackets there. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

F To the new Montrealers, i.e. the students who are in Montreal for the first time: when you are taking the metro at 9 o’clock in the morning with the rest of us, take your goddamn SCHOOLBAG off your back and hold it in your hand like the rest of us. That way, we can actually fit more people on the metro! Stop shoving your big giant backpacks in everybody’s faces!! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy with the SKINNY WANG. You can pick up some of those finger-glove things at just about any photo developing place. They use them so as not to put fingerprints on the photos. Just ask them if you can have a few or where they buy them. [BLEEP!]

M Why the fuck in Montreal can I not get a breakfast after 11? I don’t understand what happens at 11 that makes the cook unable to cook breakfast all of a sudden? What’s the deal with that? And another thing, about MySpace, why is it that—oh, shit. Fuck. I spilled my beer. Goddamn it. Ah, fuck. Beer everywhere. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. Me and my friends were trying to make a list of 20 things to do before we turn 20 and we couldn’t think of anything. But one of my friends was reading the Mirror so one of those things turned out to be calling the Rant Line™. So I’m just calling in to say hi and talk about sort of standards for getting older, shit like that. Anyways, that’s it. I just wanted to let you guys know, it’s almost my 20th birthday and my life is ending. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I have lived in Canada for the past nine years, five of them in Montreal, and here’s the thing. Besides hot women and awesome summers, the people in Montreal who go into public washrooms and are not washing their hands! This is disgusting! This is what is causing my GERMOPHOBIA. Please, please wash your hands because it’s sanitary and you have to do it. When you don’t, it fucking creeps me out so I don’t shake hands with a lot of people or touch DOORKNOBS. Please, wash your fucking hands. That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, to the girl with the hand job, the CUM on the hand and the depanneur guy. That’s why you should also be nice to your servers and the people who handle your food. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is to all the girls here: Why do you ask to fuck us when it’s four in the morning and we’re all drunk and tired? Can’t you just fuck us in the afternoon like normal people? [BLEEP!]

F Hey Montreal, I’m just wondering why this city is plagued with 30-year-old little boys. So my question is where are all the real men out there? I know you’re out there. You know, the ones who know how to satisfy and treat a woman right? If you’re out there, step up to the plate. [BLEEP!]

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